Rocket Ahead to the New Solar Cycle

First generation Roomba (Roomba is a trademark...

Image via Wikipedia

We are struck that, as a species purporting to be peaceful (We come in peace for all Mankind, voyager plaque, dedicated to peace in our lifetime), your spaceships seem to bristle with weaponry (Battlestar Galactica, Enterprise, the Last Starfighter). This seems to be a contradiction. But then, you seem to be a contradictory species. We would like to point out that our Mark VI Mothership contains no weaponry at all. Sure, we could induce the plasma core to a high fusion state and drop it onto your planet creating a small black hole that would suck your solar system into an oblivion state but that would cause us to lose our main source of propulsion as well and we would have to unfurl the solar sails to get home. And, frankly, Klaarg, while an adequate navigator, is not much of a sailor.

We can find no precedent to this contradictory nature of your species.  You seem to want to be one thing or to have others believe you are this other thing while you go merrily along being the thing that is exactly opposite.  Perhaps your species was hit on the head at a young age and somehow broken.  Maybe it was a comet that struck a glancing blow before wobbling off alone. All we know is that much sodium must be used when listening to you.  Why, just the other day, Klaarg, after successfully conquering a Roomba, declared that it was simply pointless to ask anyone on your planet directions since not a single one of you seem to know exactly where you are.  If you do not know where you are you do not know how to get anywhere.  And we are not talking about GPS coordinates, which most of you have now that you carry around smart phones (which is another whole thing entirely as if you are leaking what little intelligence you retain into your carry on electronic devices).

Klaarg was simply trying to get to your on again-off again planet Pluto to get some dip for the end of cycle celebration when he stopped to ask a group of humans whether he needed to navigate around the planet or could he just head straight up and out and not a single one knew.  Most, he said, were not even aware of Pluto’s status change.  If you do not know where the planets are in your own system (and remember, these are mostly gas giants so they tend to be large) then it is no surprise that you do not know the whereabouts of your vehicle keys.  Not to worry though, Klaarg managed to get there, Roomba dust and all.

Finally, we were set to do a big end of cycle finish filling you in on all the different videos we had seen but Mmnthpmmtpmmth set the dvd player too close to the matter recycler and we think it did something to the groove reading laser device because every disk we put in there just gets heated to a near plasma state before being forcefully ejected across the room.  While we think the resulting bonding of plastic to plasiform corridor barrier is quite artistic we are pretty sure that Netflix is going to take a dim view of our not being able to return a single disc from our last delivery.

Well, that is all for now.  Klaarg is mixing his dip for the approaching festivities and the rest of us are trying to figure out whether we revert to your older VHS technologies or just go without movies for an evening.  I suppose we could always just zoom over to Best Buy and get a new player but traffic is no fun on this planet, especially around your holy days.  Tomorrow begins a new random cycle for you (we do not understand why you celebrate it rather than the galactic ascendency, but then, there are many things we do not understand about you) and you will no doubt spend much of it recovering from the mind altering stupor you seem to think makes you appear cute.  Until then we send you Spa Fon.

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