Welcomings for Inputs

September 14, 2010
Teddy bears lifted to 30,085 metres above sea ...

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If we had known that so many of you would have responded to our previous report we might have taken more care to not say as much as we did. Too many instants have passed since then and the laws of temporal dynamics forbid us from rectifying it. Klaarg is still on probation for the last time we broke those laws and, even though we are stuck way out here in the spiral arm and probably safe from any interventions, we do not feel it is worth it to take a chance. They are out there you know. So, since we can not return in time to take another stance let us instead work to resolve some of your Earther issues.
*First, we know nothing about black helicopters. We have a Mark IV mothership and use the shuttles when we need transport. We would not even know which buttons to push to close the doors of these black helicopters never mind find the ones to make them move.
*Second, we thank all of you who volunteered for probing but we are finished with that arm of our research. We were only allowed to probe a very specific number of Earthers as part of our studies and those had to be limited to very specific parameters concerning intelligence and geography. So, please, read our communication membranes: No New Probing.
*Third, we need to remind you that we know nothing of robots.  We can not tell you about robots from your future, robots from your past, robots who may have been vice presidents, or robots that are currently working in the fashion industry and need to be stopped.  Klaarg would like us to remind you that the only good robot is a non-existent robot.
*Fourth, we know nothing about Area 51.  We did spend some time in Area 52, which was nice and kind of vacationey, and we did spend a few hours at District 9, and two days in Section 11, subsection 4, but this Area 51 you continually yammer about is unknown to us.  Fifth, we are here to study human behavior and not affect human behavior.  It is part of the extra-solar policies to  personnel, sort of a main directive if you will.  And it is a real one, not like that silly thing in those Star Trek Diaries where they blather on and on for twenty minutes about how important it is and then immediately turn around a break it with no consequences.  Trust us, there are serious consequences when you interfere with primitive civilizations.  And we should know.

In any case, now that we have fixed you all about this, we can move on to more important issues.  Videos we have watched!!

We have always been huge fans of planetary bombardment and collision.  So, when we saw Starcrash we knew we had to watch it. We were disappointed on a number of levels. First, there were no stars crashing, or even careening, just some woman in a skin-tight space suit cavorting with a fuzzy haired man and a robot. (And boy was Klaarg upset about that. It took us two days to get him to come out of the pre-sentient storage bay.) We are also pretty sure that bikinis in space are a bad idea. Then again, you Earthers really know nothing of space so you will perhaps find this out for yourself, assuming you survive the coming ice age.

No sooner did we get Klaarg seated and full of popcorn than we put in Bladerunner. Who knew that when they spoke of replicants they meant robots. We’re not sure where Klaarg went this time and we think it might be best to wait until we are finished with movie night to go look for him as he will not be a happy camper. In any case, to return to our work, we found this documentary somewhat fascinating. We believe we have seen it before but we were captivated anyway. We liked the way you continue to see your future as dark and despairing, albeit most of you seemed to have survived the cataclysms. We are also beginning to think that your fascination with robots is as unhealthy as Klaarg’s fear of them. Why do you constantly envision futures that are so full of them–and usually they are going wrong? Either learn to build good robots or just utilize genetic manipulation.

We, like many of you we bet, just love a good prison movie. This is why we picked up Convict 762. Unfortunately, the way we get our videos precludes their coming to us in boxes or cases so we almost never get a visual clue about what we are about to watch. This is usually a good thing since most of your movie documentaries are really not all that well done and your marketing ability often surpasses your creative ability. We mention this because Klaarg had managed to stuff himself into the research arena and heard us talking about the title and managed to actually do a subliminal authenticity search based on the name and thus managed to see the box cover–which, much to our embarrassment and chagrin–contained a cyborg, or, as Klaarg likes to scream out, a ROBOT! We just hope we have nowhere to go for the next month or so because Klaarg is the navigator and we think it will take him that long to come out of hiding. The movie was also pretty bad, a bunch of Earther young women flying around space, making bad choices and ending up on a penal colony, looking for rocket fuel. We think they though the penal colony meant something else. It is the only real answer for why they would go there. After a bunch of other bad decisions, due mostly, we think, to bad writing and lack of imagination, and a lot of deaths, one of the young woman manages to leave the colony with two penals aboard and everyone is happy. Or are they? It is unclear exactly what is going on at the end even though it involved a robot and that usually bodes ill for organics in your future imaginings.

Well, we have to go and look for Klaarg. We don’t expect to find him but he gets really upset if we don’t look. Until next time we remind you that Spooze is best served at room temperature, unless, of course, you are from a vulcan planet, in which case you should refrigerate.


Greenings and Words of Warning

September 9, 2010
The FBI Seal where the circle of stars represe...

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It has come to our attention that there exists, on your internets, material which might be construed as being indicative of us, or at least some of us. Klaarg, while inter-id surfing, managed to stumble on the following web location: Invisible Friends. Go and look, we will wait.

Ah, you return. No doubt you see the similarity just as Klaarg did and as the rest of us do. While we have not yet had a chance to study your mental illness we are sure that this Mr. Sawicki, who is the purported writer behind this fantasy, has it. With the assistance of the FBI database and a few other governmental repositories of information we have discerned that this once mentioned individual has been sending out notices concerning talking monkeys, dogs, fish, and, gasp, aliens. We can only imagine where he comes up with these things? Surely not his imagination. We have studied Earther imagination and it is more rated than it deserves. That being the case, Klaarg would like to, at this time, remind you that Mr. Sawicki is not only a writer but undoubtedly on medication. This means that you must take anything he says or writes with considerable numbers of sodium crystals or, as one of your beloved leaders once said, and we are not sure exactly which one it was, “strange days indeed.” If this Mr. Sawicki’s writings were by some chance true, then the merchandising for such things as Spooze, alien action figures with full tenstacular action, model motherships, a ‘monkey dung’ video game, t-shirts, etc. would already be snapped up. We would also like to point out that under the interstellar creator code of Admok21113, the full rights to any such creations would belong not to Mr. Sawicki but to the aforementioned non-existent aliens.

While we regret to having to spend space we were hoping to utilize to further destruct your selection process (November is quickly coming as your planet rotates) on this unfortunate discovery, we are also glad to be able to take this time to dissuade those of you who may have stumbled on this sad excuse for funny from taking it seriously. So, in the spirit of interstellar harmony, we hope that you will take Mr. Sawicki’s wanderings of the mind in the same light as which they were written–most likely a dim, barely visible one.

We express our mutual gratitude in advance. Please acknowledge that our next visitation will revert to our selection of video reports (assuming we can get Klaarg to return to the video store after his lasts ill-fated venturing out (which we hope you did not read in your newsprinted journals. Until next time, feel free to send DNA, or just message and we’ll come to you. Bye for now and please just delete any further notes, letters, manila packages or emails you may get from Mr. Sawicki without actually reading them. Feel no guilt. His mind is sideways.