Greenings and Great Post Extermination Day to you

October 14, 2010

Once again we come to you with great thoughts and observations that we have both observed and, well, thought. We are observing now in one of your more unusual places–your Hollyworld. It is not so much a world as a large quasi illusory shared delusion. How else to explain all this stuff? In any case, we made the mistake of telling Klaarg, our navigator if you remember, to go out and get some videos and when he asked if he should go to the terminal axis we thought he meant Video World and not that he would take the mother ship here to Hollyworld. This would not be a problem except that the rest of us were in the ship playing genetic Jango. Let me tell you there is nothing like a maneuvering mothership during genetic Jango to create some odd lifeforms. I am afraid it will be weeks before we will be able to vacuum out all of them (we need to replace one of our interoceters before we can even get to vacuum). We do not think any of them got out of the ship although it is always hard to tell with new life forms exactly what they are capable of or, indeed, their escape velocity. Still we are pretty sure not, and, if they did, they fell out over Lost Angels, California so you will probably not notice. We hope also that some day you will help us with your naming conventions as well. We have been to a lot of your multiple convening sites and wonder why they all have a street named First. Surely there can be only one. Of course that did not stop you with that Highlander series thing. So maybe logic is not as strong a point for your species as you think it is.

In any case, or in this case, as it were and will be, we would like to point out that your continued use of your planetary resources is not a good thing. Not that you should not use the resources because that would simply be silly. Not that you don’t do silly really well either. But, the rate you are using your resources is alarming, even for us, and we have been to holiday on the desolate remnants of the planet of the Fling who used their entire planet up in 22 stellar cycles, or, in their terms six generations. And they bred fairly young so you can imagine.

We had this brought to mind as we were pondering your recent celebration of what you consider discovery day. While we try never to argue with a species about what they call a thing we feel obligated to point out (okay, Hummer feels obligated to point this out but that’s because he is our resident alienogist) that what you call discovery is mostly nothing more than a mistaken landing somewhere that already existed and, in most cases, was already inhabited so was already, basically, discovered and what your species really does is not so much discover as exterminate. But that may require more space than we are willing to use here and now because Klaarg did come through with some exciting videos for us. We don’t know where he got them though so if you happen to be missing these we can only waver a tentacle in your direction and look glum.

Iron Man 2 was the first one we watched and again, back to this whole naming convention thing you do, we are confused. The movie is about a human in a metal suit and while the suit may have contained some Iron it is more likely a lighter, more flexible alloy such as absurdium or unobtanium. You simply could not get iron to work that way. Too heavy and too brittle. Beyond that, though, the being inside the suit is human and not iron at all. In fact, neither of the beings in the suits were made of metal. So, we have to sadly say, that we were thrown right from the very beginning. We also do not know why your society seems to produce evil geniuses who are also incompetent. Surely you could do better if you tried.

Oddly enough Klaarg returned with this video even though he was unaware of our genetic Jango situation. Splice is about your very own scientists (they could have been evil geniuses but we were not sure and the video did not provide enough elucidation for us to even make educated guesses. Based on our best estimates, which are typically pretty good, we think they fall more in the area of incompetent plodders. This is perhaps beyond the point as they did what they did and someone captured it on this video. What they did was combine things, and we do mean things, with human DNA. Now, we could tell you that this is just not possible. While DNA is very pliable indeed, inter-species splicing is simply not possible. The Exton Valdeee tried this for years and look where it got them–reduced to a cold, barely sentient sludge. But we watched anyway, hoping to learn more of your science processes. It was, as they say, not pretty.

We are always excited to stumble across one of your space faring documentaries as we like to see where you think you have been and where you are going. So, when Klaarg brought back Stargate Universe we were quite excited. So much so that we left the popcorn in the matter accelerator too long and filled the mother ship with smoke. We have to admit that we watched each episode on this disk and yet could not identify a single planet, star, race or sector. Either you are going places no one has been before, places no one is supposed to go, or you are, simply, just making all this stuff up. Hard to tell. We also find some minor fault with these gates. There is no good reason, energy wise, that they should be so limited as you present them. Worm holes, right? It is almost as if you are creating this situation just to make a point, sort of a means to a parable end, if you will. Either that or you simply do not understand the way energy works.

Finally, and we always try to save the best for last, we looked at Slumber Party Massacre Collection. This one seemed to have everything we were looking for–excitement, a sleepover, continuity over a period of time, 3 complete documentaries!!!, sleep, and much hilarity. Sadly we were let down on the hilarity side as these disks contained a lot of idiocy and blood, and if we had wanted that we would have simply rented one of your histories. We do not fully understand whether it is the darkness itself or the scanty clothing that produces consistently bad decision making. But, as we watched, you portray yourself in situation after situation where it would actually be very easy to get away and yet these humans don’t, preferring, it seems, to remain in the area where the psychotic killer is. We can understand the psychotic killer staying in that area but the reasoning of the others eludes us. Well, we can say that about many things involving humans, can’t we?

Until next time, we wish you happy extermination day with many more to come although that is actually pretty doubtful.