Where in the World is Klaarg?

November 21, 2010
Cover of "Not of This Earth"

Cover of Not of This Earth

We have received many missives from you Earthers asking about Klaarg’s whereabouts and all wondering the same thing–where in the world is he? We hate to inform you that Klaarg is not in the world at all. Nor is he on it. We know we have told you all this in the past but we figure you have simply all acted as Earthers and the moment you received the information you became interested in something else and promptly forgot it. So, we will inform you once more. Klaarg is navigator. He holds a certificate from the academy and while many of us wonder exactly how that happened, the fact remains that he has one.  So, he spends a great deal of time with the mothership. We are not quite sure what he is doing there, but, then, so long as he knows what buttons to push when we need to get from here to there who are we to complain?

Needful to say, Klaarg spends a lot of time fusioning here and warping there. We imagine he would spend more time with us if he had not lost the manual to the mothership. It’s a Mark IV, and while much of it is automated you still have to remember what to push, when to push it, and what all the numbers on all those readouts mean. It’s a lot easier with the manual. But, we don’t have one anymore. We think it was lost in the video disk fusing event that occurred one of your solar cycles ago. Klaarg was behind it all. We told him that the particle accelerator was not a good substitute for the microwave for making popcorn but he had to try anyway. Frankly, we are not sure what we actually had to eject into the sun that day but we believe it contained the full set of Highlander dvd’s, 29.5 ounces of cheesy popcorn, 2 sets of 3D glasses (the good ones with multiple and variable eye slots), a goldfish, 2 linear feet of Osmodium, a pear in a partridge tree, and, evidently, the manual to the mothership. There was also 35.6 ounces of additional matter, and we will probably never know exactly what it was. Could have been dark matter for all we know.

So, Klaarg is not here.  However, if you are missing a robot then he was probably there. He hates them you know.

He did leave this report on a batch of videos he watched the last time he was out and about. Or, as you Canadian humans say, oot and aboot. Yes, indeed, we are learning another human language. Eh?

Not Of This Earth (1988)(Roger Corman’s Cult Classics) is an example of why we find you Earthers so amusing. So, explain to us why this Roger Corman would take the time to actually remake a movie that he had already made–and do it just as poorly? Sure, it has your Traci Lords in it and an alien whom we don’t really recognize but then we do not know everyone, and some small amount of humor, but this is like stepping in dog poop. Sure, it’s amusing the first time but not enough to bear repeating.  In any case, Lords is a nurse who gets a job taking care of an old human who turns out to be a blood drinking alien.  Why you think aliens want your blood is besides us.  With all that you ingest it is pretty toxic stuff.

For our second entry, we are again confused. “Highlander (Director’s Cut) [Blu-ray] is another example of your duplicity. This is the director’s cut, and yet it is pretty much the same as the non-director’s cut. Same idea: there can be only one, except when there are more than one; same silly notion that even in modern times you should be slicing people up with big knives instead of using the fusion weapons that your deity gave you; and somehow everyone pretty much just ignores the collateral damage that is occurring all about. We are pretty sure that if we landed the mothership on one of your buildings you would be upset about it, or at least notice.  Maybe not, you do spend a great deal of time looking inward.

And yet, again, you try to confuse us. This is “V: The Complete First Season and yet it is not since the complete first season was a decade earlier in 2001. And, yet again, you are recreating your history. Why are you showing this invasion all over again. They came once and they were not that interesting. They helped control the rodent problem for a short while and then you managed to get them to leave. Why dvd them coming again? It is almost as if you Earthers think that you can re-imagine yourselves to a better present. It can’t be done. Have we not had the time discussion with you? Perhaps you were not listening.

Lastly, and finally, a film that we can relate to. “Altered States We are big fans of altered states, what with our being amorphously transcellular. So, we watched this with interest. We watched four times in a row. We could not help ourselves. We kept losing consciousness. While the concepts are interesting and the acting is good, the pacing is tediously slow. We begin to wonder whether the title had more to do with the director’s frame of mind than the movie content. We will never know most likely as you humans have probably reinvented that particular story a couple of dozens of times by now.

So, that’s it.  Until next time, keep your robots indoors because Klaarg is out there.

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I’m a Doctor, Jim, not an Operator

November 6, 2010
An Amtrak train on the NEC in NJ, as seen from...

Image via Wikipedia

We use the words of your very own Doctor McCoy from your very own Star Trek Documentaries (although how you are managing this when you can not even get out of your own gravity well still remains a mystery to us but it may explain why they never really seemed to want to return to Earth). But we egress. We were on the train, traveling to a conference in your capital of cities (where the people who live there, in the center of your self-proclaimed representative system of management have no representation). We egress again. We were on your mass transportation system Amtrak (which neither has much mass, galactically speaking, nor does it really transport all that well according to their inability to get one of these trains anywhere on time) Egressing once more. Sorry.

It was thus that we were presented with the inevitable proof that all young species must pass through a number of states prior to self-actualization. Of course, nuclear destruction, environmental disaster, asteroidal interruption, planetary disruption, and cometary impact can all delay this progress and, in many cases, severely retard it. This has happened to you previously which explains why you are so retarded now. But, once again, we egress. We happened to read an article in one of your advanced medical journals about robotic surgery. Klaarg was not with us, which explains why we were on the train to begin with, so we were free to read whatever we wanted to. We did not get the chance to read much of the article but surely the title captured the essence. And so, we wondered, why you would create a surgery for a thing that you do not yet have. Should you not have created the robots first? Sure you have Roomba and that one that cleans your swimming pools and those ones that build your individual transport devices. But these all require a great deal of human interaction before they can function in even a very rudimentary level. So, the fact that you have invented surgery for robots prior to actually having created robots is a definite sign that you are still in the confused stage of your advancement. This was further brought to our attention on the train itself as person after person spoke into their mobile communicators, saying over and over such things as “are you there?” “can you hear me?” “Hello?” “Hello?” Over and over we tell you. And loudly. Need we remind you that you had pretty much perfected telephones in the 1990’s? Then, for some reason you decided to make it all better. Now, instead of the crystal clear, world-wide communication you had in 1995 you have returned to the scratchy, intermittent, poorly receptive communication you had in 1957. Go figure.

But we egress once again when we are really here to administer our wisdom about your most recent video releases. To wit, and to whither, let us share with you our thoughts–no scratchiness or intermittentness involved.

Klaarg did not pick these so it is somewhat ironic that there is not a robot amongst them. Just the way the universe works it seems. And speaking of such let us begin by delving into Back to the Future: 25th Anniversary Trilogy (+ Digital Copy) Now, we should like to point out that this may very well be the future that this video wants to go back to given that this originally came out 25 years in your past. We need to tell you though, that time travel is pretty much impossible. Too many contradictions. if you knew that yesterday’s lunch would give you heartburn then you would go back to order something different which begins a causality chain, often involving waitresses who are destined to become nuclear physicists but won’t because of your missing tip money, with dire consequences. So, sorry, no traveling in time. Especially for you as a species. You can barely negotiate the now, never mind the past (again) or the yet to be future.

Okay, so Victoria, who is a different Victoria from before (no time travel involved) wants to destroy Bella who is in love, kinda, sorta, with Edward who is actually dead. But, Bella also seems to have the hots for Jacob who is friends with Edward, sort of, and also does not like Victoria, either this new one or the old one. Yes, that is right, we actually watched “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) We were confused and dismayed and nonplussed. In short it made all of our brains hurt just trying to figure out who was who and what they were about and why we should care.

Look, we enjoy a shoot-em-up involving blue beings as much as the next species. But we like to see some realism as well. We have been all over the galaxy (when we are not stuck way out here in the empty spiral arms with you) and we know a lot of blue species and, for the most part they are pretty sapient and use it diligently and that’s only speaking of the aquatic ones. “Avatar (Three-Disc Extended Collector’s Edition + BD-Live) [Blu-ray] kind of presents us with a dilemma since we were not sure who we were supposed to root for. We did not care all that much for the greedy humans who were seeking out their impossible mineral. But we also did not care so much for the blue people who did not seem to be all that in touch with their planet or with what was going on around them. It may have been pretty to look at, assuming you like to watch genocide and big explosions, but it fell far short on the meter of sentience.

Full circle have we come as we close with “Doctor Who: The Complete Fifth Series. Let us state once more that time travel is not a good idea, besides it being against the law. We did like the adventures a great deal although we did not know a single species involved which makes us a bit suspicious about some of the locations. Remember, we are pretty familiar with the galaxy in this area. We think we will have to look at more of this Doctor’s travels before we can make a full and final determination about its credibility.

And, now, it is most apt to egress a final time.