Another day another probing, at least that’s how the Zelnar look at it. We don’t probe ourselves…wait for it…we probe you! Ha, we made a funny. But seriously, probing is so last century. We note that many of you made a great hub bub about the fact your moon moved between your planet and your sun. We’re not sure why as this happens all the time. You all gathered outside as if you were afraid it would not come back. Trust us, this is normal for planets with moons. Yes, yes, we know you tell yourselves that you are truly unique in that your moon is just the right size to blot out your sun. But, look, this is nothing more than stellar dynamic physics. Every planet with moons suffers through this. It is no big deal. The big deal is when your sun gets between your planet and your moon. That one you need to watch out for.
A Conversation in Blood, Paul S. Kemp, Del Rey, ISBN 978-0-553-39200-5 $27.00, 260 pgs.
This is a story about two guys, one a thief and the other a priest. Together they wander around having adventures. You would think this pairing would not work out so well but in this case it does. The two of them are chased by an evil that is barely describable although Kemp makes many attempts. This evil is not just evil for the sake of fun but revengeful evil. And why is this so? Well, one need look no further than the thief who has stolen golden plates. Not the kind of plates that you eat off although you could certainly have like a burrito off of one of these. No these are more the kinds of plates that are used to illustrate an event or hold a saying—kind of like a very expensive fortune cookie. Any case, the two guys run and the evil follows. They run some more but the evil follows. They stop for a break but the evil finds them. They climb a tower and the evil climbs faster. Finally they think they have figured it all out but it involves the destruction of the world and we better not say any more than that. We liked this, albeit we wondered about the world destruction thing. You, being the violent species you are, will no doubt find this enthralling
The Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss, Daw, ISBN 978-0-7564-0474-1, $9.99, 722 pgs.
Holy Frihote (sorry to take in vain one of your gods), but 722 pages for the first book in a three book set? And this is assuming it actually is just three books. Still, this one came highly recommended so we figured what the hay. Turns out 722 pages was actually a bit short, or maybe just right, but definitely not too long. This is the story of Kvothe, a wizard-minstrel sort of. It’s hard to know the full thing when you are just at the beginning of the thing and we figure this is probably going to be the shortest of the three books. This kind of telling has to be delicately done since it is the older version telling the story so any suspense about whether survival is at issue is kind of gone right at the get go. Even given that we found the story fascinating and enthralling and even Klarg loved it (no robots in fantasy tales). We have the second one right here and we are diving in.
The Wise Man’s Fear, Patrick Routhfuss, Daw, ISBN 978-0-7564-0473-4, $29.95, 994 pgs.
We have good news and terrible news. No, the terrible news is not that this book, the second one, has 994 pages. No, we will save the terrible news for the very end. This is a continuation of the story of Kvothe. We have to admit we worry about middle books. They are like middle children, lacking the drive of the oldest and the cunning cuteness of the youngest, they seem to mostly exist just as a placeholder. No offense meant to all of you maintaining that gap, but we were very excited to discover that this was not the case. No, this one was just as good, if not better than the first. We liked the story, we liked the framing, we liked the way it was written, we liked everything. This is a great work, a wonder, one of those that will keep you turning pages because you want to discover what comes next. Yes, we mean that. It is that good. However, do not go out and buy a copy. Why you ask? Why would you praise a thing but then keep it from us? Have you been studying religion, you will no doubt ask? Why, yes, yes we have in fact. But it has nothing to do with the reason you should not buy this or the first book. No, this is the terrible news we started with. The terrible news is this. These two books were written many, many cycles ago, back in your numberings of 2011. That is many solar passings and yet there is no third book, no continuation. The writer says maybe soon, maybe not. Really? These are not good answers. We say time to chain this one to a pencil and no food or water until words flow. We recommend these two books but definitely do not buy them until you can actually get your hands on the ending as well. You are not a happy species as it is. This will just piss you off more.
Pawn, Timothy Zahn, Tor, ISBN 978-0-7653-2966-0, $25.99, 347 pgs.
So much of this work rings familiar with us. It is about humans who are surreptitiously captured and taken aboard an alien space craft. The more we read the more we expected to see us. But it was all for naught. We recognized none of these species and the entire concept of others traveling to Earth to steal humans so they can work to repair the ships they are on is very amusing. We thought it had been many cycles since we had read such a good comedy. Then we realized it was not a comedy. Perhaps , we thought, it was written by someone with a brain injury who was juxtaposing the smart species for humans. Then we realized that no, it was just one more time you humans needed to see yourselves as the superior and special group. We would tell you it is not so but why keep stating the obvious. Anyway this is about a group of humans who end up on an alien ship only to discover how special they are. They solve all the problems, save all the days, and go on to become masters of the universe or something. We do not know if this last thing happens as this effort kind of ends before the actual ending. So, we are sure there will be more of these coming assuming enough of you believe it. And why should you not? Are you not special? That was rhetorical.
Well, again a cycle has gone away and you have frittered. As one of your notorious politicians said, when shown pictures of his naked grandmother, “Fake Nudes! Fake nudes! It’s all just fake nudes.” You can’t make that stuff up. Honest. For now we are off to Planet 9. We know where it is. You do not. Perhaps we’ll show you pictures when we return. Probably not though.