Greenings (again) Earthers

March 7, 2011
Actress Milla Jovovich participating in a pane...

Image via Wikipedia

We are here once more to report on our findings after a thorough review of your video records, or, as thorough as we could manage after Klaarg’s run in with an electronic parking meter that he thought was a uni-wheeled utility robot, which made him late with the pizza. I suppose also that we need to reconvert our titling as so few of your records exist on video anymore. We should probably swap over to utilizing the phrase digital record but we do so love tape and film, no matter what James Cameron or George Lucas say.

In any point, we were discussing–Klaarg, Hmmmenmmmenefra, Decarlo (don’t ask), and myself–your penchant for trying to envision a deeper and darker future for yourself. Your pundits call this a post apocalyptic shadow. We call it a lack of vision or, simply, a species wide depression. We think, perhaps, that you are beginning to actually see how limited you are as a species and you are not encouraged by it. Thus, all of these post apocalyptic films that are dark, depressing and, essentially, expressing your special suicide. Wait, because we know some of you will misread the previous sentence we need to expand. We do not mean special as in different or nice, but special as in, related to species. Put the emphasis on the first e and make it long. Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way perhaps you can explain to us why, in all of your apocalyptic movies, the first thing your species seems to do, post apocalyptically speaking, is destroy what little useful stuff actually remains?

We think there may actually be some kind of religious aspect to this but we can’t really explore that vein due to the loss of Bla’haauggh, our religious mythologist, who stepped into the sonic shower and turned the setting to dust instead of exfoliate. We have fond memories of Bla’haauggh and see him whenever we go to a zero gravity state (It’s really hard to get all the dust out of the mother ship, no matter how hard you try and it’s not like Klaarg will let us let loose a Roomba).

So, here we are, with a pile of somewhat dusty DVDs that we’ve viewed and studied in order to get some glimpse into why you do the things you do. Luckily we got a good bunch this time and learned a lot. For example, in “Resident Evil: Afterlife we learned that it’s not a good idea to let big corporations run things–at least on Earth, since Interstellar Trans runs pretty much everything to do with bi-dimensional, extra-solar voyaging from our end of the universe. But, we are talking of you and not us. In this documentary we learn that your phrasing of being a corporate drone might be truer than we had thought since many of the corporate employees in this video were not just drone like but downright zombie like. Sure, Milla Jovovich does her best to lighten things up but remember we are dealing with a plague of zombies so how much lighter can things get? Still, she tries. Perhaps she should shower more?

Monsters Special Edition + Digital Copy [Blu-ray] is not so much about monsters as it is about how silly you Earthers get when you take a simple idea and let it run away with you. In this video we are supposed to believe that one of your own spacecraft returned to your planet and somehow scattered alien life across a large part of Mexico which, in an oddly prescient review of the whole Arizona mess, caused Americans to build a huge wall between the two countries. Well, we have to tell you, alien life does not just fall from the sky willy nilly. Nor does any self respecting sentient just jump onto the first probe that comes along. You have a lot to learn.

As we mentioned earlier, and as we mention again because we know of your tiny ability to retain information in a linear form, we lost our religious mythologist so we have been making do as best we can. Hmmmenmmmenefra has been filling in admirably we must admit but we still wonder what gaps there might exist in the knowledge that a sustenance provocator who was formerly an interstellar radio manipulator (he lost his calling when everyone switched to cable) brings to the effort. Still, when all you have is an ex-communicator you go with it. So, while we are sure there is meaning that we are missing we are also sure that none of that is here. Consider what we gleaned, for example, from The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu. We found your Cthulhu religion very reminiscent of the slithering overlords of sector A3B. The main difference being that the sentients in that sector did not survive the worship demands put upon them while you, as a species, still seems pretty oblivious. Ah well, perhaps ignorance is bliss.

We had more to say. We almost always do. But, if we put it all in one report they would expect us back sooner and we’re afraid we might miss something really important. You will produce something really important as a species sooner or later, won’t you? Do it soon or we’ll miss it. Thanks. And when in doubt send Spooze.

Rocket Ahead to the New Solar Cycle

December 31, 2010
First generation Roomba (Roomba is a trademark...

Image via Wikipedia

We are struck that, as a species purporting to be peaceful (We come in peace for all Mankind, voyager plaque, dedicated to peace in our lifetime), your spaceships seem to bristle with weaponry (Battlestar Galactica, Enterprise, the Last Starfighter). This seems to be a contradiction. But then, you seem to be a contradictory species. We would like to point out that our Mark VI Mothership contains no weaponry at all. Sure, we could induce the plasma core to a high fusion state and drop it onto your planet creating a small black hole that would suck your solar system into an oblivion state but that would cause us to lose our main source of propulsion as well and we would have to unfurl the solar sails to get home. And, frankly, Klaarg, while an adequate navigator, is not much of a sailor.

We can find no precedent to this contradictory nature of your species.  You seem to want to be one thing or to have others believe you are this other thing while you go merrily along being the thing that is exactly opposite.  Perhaps your species was hit on the head at a young age and somehow broken.  Maybe it was a comet that struck a glancing blow before wobbling off alone. All we know is that much sodium must be used when listening to you.  Why, just the other day, Klaarg, after successfully conquering a Roomba, declared that it was simply pointless to ask anyone on your planet directions since not a single one of you seem to know exactly where you are.  If you do not know where you are you do not know how to get anywhere.  And we are not talking about GPS coordinates, which most of you have now that you carry around smart phones (which is another whole thing entirely as if you are leaking what little intelligence you retain into your carry on electronic devices).

Klaarg was simply trying to get to your on again-off again planet Pluto to get some dip for the end of cycle celebration when he stopped to ask a group of humans whether he needed to navigate around the planet or could he just head straight up and out and not a single one knew.  Most, he said, were not even aware of Pluto’s status change.  If you do not know where the planets are in your own system (and remember, these are mostly gas giants so they tend to be large) then it is no surprise that you do not know the whereabouts of your vehicle keys.  Not to worry though, Klaarg managed to get there, Roomba dust and all.

Finally, we were set to do a big end of cycle finish filling you in on all the different videos we had seen but Mmnthpmmtpmmth set the dvd player too close to the matter recycler and we think it did something to the groove reading laser device because every disk we put in there just gets heated to a near plasma state before being forcefully ejected across the room.  While we think the resulting bonding of plastic to plasiform corridor barrier is quite artistic we are pretty sure that Netflix is going to take a dim view of our not being able to return a single disc from our last delivery.

Well, that is all for now.  Klaarg is mixing his dip for the approaching festivities and the rest of us are trying to figure out whether we revert to your older VHS technologies or just go without movies for an evening.  I suppose we could always just zoom over to Best Buy and get a new player but traffic is no fun on this planet, especially around your holy days.  Tomorrow begins a new random cycle for you (we do not understand why you celebrate it rather than the galactic ascendency, but then, there are many things we do not understand about you) and you will no doubt spend much of it recovering from the mind altering stupor you seem to think makes you appear cute.  Until then we send you Spa Fon.

Where in the World is Klaarg?

November 21, 2010
Cover of "Not of This Earth"

Cover of Not of This Earth

We have received many missives from you Earthers asking about Klaarg’s whereabouts and all wondering the same thing–where in the world is he? We hate to inform you that Klaarg is not in the world at all. Nor is he on it. We know we have told you all this in the past but we figure you have simply all acted as Earthers and the moment you received the information you became interested in something else and promptly forgot it. So, we will inform you once more. Klaarg is navigator. He holds a certificate from the academy and while many of us wonder exactly how that happened, the fact remains that he has one.  So, he spends a great deal of time with the mothership. We are not quite sure what he is doing there, but, then, so long as he knows what buttons to push when we need to get from here to there who are we to complain?

Needful to say, Klaarg spends a lot of time fusioning here and warping there. We imagine he would spend more time with us if he had not lost the manual to the mothership. It’s a Mark IV, and while much of it is automated you still have to remember what to push, when to push it, and what all the numbers on all those readouts mean. It’s a lot easier with the manual. But, we don’t have one anymore. We think it was lost in the video disk fusing event that occurred one of your solar cycles ago. Klaarg was behind it all. We told him that the particle accelerator was not a good substitute for the microwave for making popcorn but he had to try anyway. Frankly, we are not sure what we actually had to eject into the sun that day but we believe it contained the full set of Highlander dvd’s, 29.5 ounces of cheesy popcorn, 2 sets of 3D glasses (the good ones with multiple and variable eye slots), a goldfish, 2 linear feet of Osmodium, a pear in a partridge tree, and, evidently, the manual to the mothership. There was also 35.6 ounces of additional matter, and we will probably never know exactly what it was. Could have been dark matter for all we know.

So, Klaarg is not here.  However, if you are missing a robot then he was probably there. He hates them you know.

He did leave this report on a batch of videos he watched the last time he was out and about. Or, as you Canadian humans say, oot and aboot. Yes, indeed, we are learning another human language. Eh?

Not Of This Earth (1988)(Roger Corman’s Cult Classics) is an example of why we find you Earthers so amusing. So, explain to us why this Roger Corman would take the time to actually remake a movie that he had already made–and do it just as poorly? Sure, it has your Traci Lords in it and an alien whom we don’t really recognize but then we do not know everyone, and some small amount of humor, but this is like stepping in dog poop. Sure, it’s amusing the first time but not enough to bear repeating.  In any case, Lords is a nurse who gets a job taking care of an old human who turns out to be a blood drinking alien.  Why you think aliens want your blood is besides us.  With all that you ingest it is pretty toxic stuff.

For our second entry, we are again confused. “Highlander (Director’s Cut) [Blu-ray] is another example of your duplicity. This is the director’s cut, and yet it is pretty much the same as the non-director’s cut. Same idea: there can be only one, except when there are more than one; same silly notion that even in modern times you should be slicing people up with big knives instead of using the fusion weapons that your deity gave you; and somehow everyone pretty much just ignores the collateral damage that is occurring all about. We are pretty sure that if we landed the mothership on one of your buildings you would be upset about it, or at least notice.  Maybe not, you do spend a great deal of time looking inward.

And yet, again, you try to confuse us. This is “V: The Complete First Season and yet it is not since the complete first season was a decade earlier in 2001. And, yet again, you are recreating your history. Why are you showing this invasion all over again. They came once and they were not that interesting. They helped control the rodent problem for a short while and then you managed to get them to leave. Why dvd them coming again? It is almost as if you Earthers think that you can re-imagine yourselves to a better present. It can’t be done. Have we not had the time discussion with you? Perhaps you were not listening.

Lastly, and finally, a film that we can relate to. “Altered States We are big fans of altered states, what with our being amorphously transcellular. So, we watched this with interest. We watched four times in a row. We could not help ourselves. We kept losing consciousness. While the concepts are interesting and the acting is good, the pacing is tediously slow. We begin to wonder whether the title had more to do with the director’s frame of mind than the movie content. We will never know most likely as you humans have probably reinvented that particular story a couple of dozens of times by now.

So, that’s it.  Until next time, keep your robots indoors because Klaarg is out there.

Vote for us, or not, as your capriciousness allows

August 26, 2010
Screen shot of the Max Headroom hijacker

Image via Wikipedia

We have been studying your elections processes since it seems that it is that “time of year” for your species. We discovered this by noting the increased amount of signage that has become stuck to the front of our bumper like device as we continue to learn how to maneuver your quaint combustable engined vehicles through your maze of tarry paths. It seems like everyone is running for one office or another. In fact after passing through one intersection we noted that we had to remove a number of signages that indicated multiple people who apparently wanted to occupy the same office space. Odd, but then they are Earthers. And speaking of odd we have noted that these, politicians, while behaving like an entirely different species are actually Earthers just like the rest of you. And so we study. Well, except for Klaarg who finds your politicians too robot like for his phobia.

In any case, to use an Earther colloquialism, we have been looking at your election past time and wondering why you spend so much energy on an event that seems to, simply put, just piss you all off (another colloquialism). It seems to us, and granted we have only been studying you for a few transits, that your system is flawed. And Klaarg reminds us that we should note that we speak of the American system and not all systems since we have not yet had the opportunity to study other systems, say like the Latvians, who, we are sure, have a much superior system than the one we are witnessing now, although we cannot, scientifically speaking, be sure. It seems that your elections consist of nothing more than a select group of people trying to convince the remaining mass to put them into a fancy office so that they can then ignore that remaining group of people for a multiple of years or until it becomes a half transit prior to the next election, at which point everyone seems to care again. This does not seem to be a good way to run a planet (which might explain a lot of the other things we have been noting, like the ozone depletion, the acidity of your sky water, and the complaints from your cetaceans about your rudeness).

Simply put, why do you not put into office that person who is best suited for that office based on actual credentials and not on a series of short and unamusing television series? It baffles us still and will take more study, although we note the short window of opportunity we have. Oh yes, and we have a large collection of signs if anyone would like them as they apparently do not compost at all and tossing them into the ram scoop gave the ship indigestion. And speaking of indigestion let us look at this weeks dvd releases.

So, at first we were a tad bit confused and thought this was just one more documentary about Los Angeles. But, then we reread the box and discovered that this was actually one of your future looking shows called Max Headroom We find these to be fascinating as we think they continue to reflect the very dim view you have of your own ability to survive. This time you are televising your demise, which we think you will probably actually do. We find this extremely entertaining and Klaarg, for one, was very glad to finally see a robot free future. Will you enjoy it? How are we to know these things. Be a sentient species and take the responsibility to find out for yourself.

Speaking of futures that never happened, we discovered the mocumentary In The Shadow Of The Moon which purports to document how humans, between the years 1968 and 1972 (and don’t get us started on your system of dating which is incredibly confusing since you have to know which culture you are in before you know when you are) visited your moon. We admired the way the filmmakers made it look as if these events actually took place on your satellite’s surface and not in some sound stage in your California dream in town. It was very well done although we were not familiar with the actors at all and we think it was probably a low budget production since the acting was a bit wooden and we have not seen mention of Aldrin, Armstrong, Bean or Schmidt in any other filmatic ventures. Still we all enjoyed this comedy and recommend it to everyone.

We really need to subscribe to Netflix or just figure out how to stream videos to the mothership because sending Klaarg to the video store can sometimes be problematic. First, it takes him forever to return. And he’s a navigator! How the academy every granted him a license is sometimes beyond us. We think his pods know pods that have similar genetic material. Or perhaps there was a conjunctional interfacing. Hard to say, but a navigator he is none-the-less. Regardless of how Klaarg got his tenstacles on the ships controls we sometimes wonder if he just can’t find the new releases section in the video store. This would explain how we ended up having to watch Horror High which apparently is about a high school in some town named Horror. The actual location is probably kept secret to protect the actors. In any case, this video just details the normal occurrences in high school–bullying, cliquism, razing, hazing, torture and murder. There’s also some subplot about a chemistry syrup that mutates a student into a horrible creature which we thought was a bit redundant. In any case if you want to relive your high school years then you should definitely go out and get this one. If, however, you have moved beyond assault, battery and mayhem then maybe you’ll want to move past this one as well. Klaarg liked it–no robots.

Well, we had two more really excellent new video releases to tell you about but Hummer has started his imitating of your politicians and it is just too amusing for us to get him to stop, what with all that tenstacle waving and orating and gesticulation. He really does capture the essence of the stump speech as well as the stump itself–maple this time we think but we won’t be sure until we get to taste it. So, until next time, Spa Fon and keep the Spooze warm.


June 14, 2010

Greenings Earthers! We have interrupted this communication and feel honored to particulate. We are not sure of the significance of this blogging though. We searched the dvds and it did not seem to help. We did find some worthy video of Sean Connery scowling however and enjoyed it greatly. We remember our first time with facial expressions. As a side report, Klaarg, our navigator, wanted to speak of a different first time but you would not like the details of what is an interesting but internally queasy process. Why are we here? Indeed, it was the wide diversity of your electronic flailings that first drew our attention to your backwards arm of the galactic spiral. It continues to draw us. You seem to be seriously confused. We struggled to discern the meaning behind the many of your messages. What is this F-Troop? And is it symbolic or an indication of a repressed past? What of this A-Team? You seem to have many teams. Surely this one is not the best. Who was Erica and did her work at a hospital for Generals mean your society was militaristically inclined? We were dismayed that the first three dozen or so Earthers we probed for information retained memories of numerous contacts with Galactic entities. We again were moved to study your dvd records and were stunned. After reviewing multiple tenstacles full of these records which chronicled your various encounters with non-human species it became clear to us that your multiple dysfunctions may simply be are due to your frequent contact with what we consider to be the lower form of superior beings. In any case, we have much more to share with you but the blog tools are waving to us and making Altair eyes which we interpret to mean we must end.

(The Damn Aliens can be found here weekly or whenever they get around to it)

Hello world!

June 14, 2010

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