One (Sort of)

February 27, 2017

Greenings Thirders

We have decided many things.  We will share one with you.  For the many of you who follow us, please, stop.  We do not like being followed and we are not going to lead you to anything and even if you did manage to find something out it would only end in a probing which only one of the parties involved would enjoy.  No, we are talking about our sharing information with you in a more formal way.  As many of you know, we have used multiple venues for our sharings with you.  We have, in the past, tried to use your own communication vehicles since it lends a certain amount of camouflage.  Now we are trying something new.  We are forging off on our own to see how it all works out.  We believe it fits quite nicely with the tribal arm of our study of your species.  But, we will see and only time will tell.  Actually, time will not tell you anything.  It’s just there.  Constant.  Moving forward at the same pace as always.  You can go quicker but time will not.  You can stop.  But time will not.  Time was here before everything else.  We probably should not have said that.  But, what the heck.  Consider it part of the experiment.

The Devil’s Detective, Simon Kurt Unsworth, Doubleday, ISBN 978-0-385-53934-0, $25.95, 289 pgs.

Your species seems stuck on always wanting something different, which you oftdevils-detectiveen think of as better.  Instead of enjoying what you have, you need what you don’t.  This has led to the proliferation of your religions and drives much of your politics.  Even when you develop systems that are supposed to be for everyone you get it wrong.  So, it is no wonder that so much of your written history revolves around these alternative existences.  Such is the case here, where Unsworth (and we are sure this is a penname that has symbolic meaning related to the topic) has shared his knowledge of how Hell operates.  Unsworth tells us about Thomas Fool who is an information man in hell, an investigator with a never ending supply of cases and a demon boss who does not think all that highly of him.  But then someone is found murdered, which you would not think is all that uncommon an occurrence in hell, but evidently it is.  Fool investigates but gets nowhere.  Then more murders happen and Fool is under pressure to get things figured out and fast.  The problem is, while Fool is an information man, he is not a detective since there is no crime in Hell, or there was not until the murders.  Or there was but it was not really crime but expected behavior and so not crime.  We don’t know, we got confused on that part.  So, Fool has no idea, nor does anyone else, about what to do.  Essentially he’s learning as he goes.   Must we say that things get complicated?  It’s Hell, of course things get complicated.  And we have not even spoken yet about the angels.  We liked it although we are still not clear on which came first, Hell or politics.

The Devil’s Evidence, Simon Kurt Unsworth, Doubleday, ISBN 978-0-385-53936-4, $26.95, 481 pgs.

Yes, it’s Deja Thoris all over again.  Once more we are being told about Thomdevils-evidenceas Fool, investigator in Hell.  Only this time Fool is not in Hell but in Heaven.  Due to Fool’s rise in fame, he has new enemies in Hell.  And new crimes to solve.  This time it’s fires, which, again, you would not think of as a problem in Hell but there you go.  But, right in the middle of his investigation, Fool gets tasked with being part of a delegation sent to Heaven.  While there, he ends up investigating an impossible murder.  Needless to say, things get complicated, what with a Hell based detective asking questions in Heaven.  And, while Fool is running around Heaven, things are going to hell in, well, Hell.  But, what’s a fool to do?  More importantly, what’s this Fool to do?  Why, figure it all out, of course, and that’s were Unsworth shows his skill in letting things play out at their own pace and in their own time.  We liked this one as well as the first one, in case you could not tell.

Company Town, Madeline Ashby, Tor, ISBN 978-0-7653-8290-0, $24.99, 285 pgs.

We looked at many maps and could not find any New Arcadia, which is the location of this work.  We could not find any Old Arcadia or Used To be Arcadia either.  Must be a pseudonym.  Maybe for Chicago.  We hear that city is called many different thingcompany-towns.  Anycase, this takes place in New Arcadia and since the trappings are futuristic we figure it is allegorical.  So, back to New Arcadia and Hwa who lives there and is a natural human, meaning that she does not have any enhancements.  In fact she is the only one without any.  She’s also a hired bodyguard.  She also ends up as bodyguard to the youngest member of the most powerful family in New Arcadia.  She’s also connected to a series of murders that threatens the city.  This is a lot for one un-adapted woman.  Oh, yeah, the murders seem to have been done by a serial killer.  And an invisible one at that.  So, Hwa wanders through New Arcadia, bodyguarding the youngest member of a powerful family while a serial killer invisibly stalks nearby.  Just another day in paradise.  We liked it.  We liked Hwa.  We did not get the parable.  Maybe not Chicago after all.  We’d like to see more if we could.  That’s not up to us though.  Did we mention that Hwa has issues with her mother?

Slow Bullets, Alastair Reynolds, Tachyon Publications, ISBN 978-161-696193-0, $14.95, 192 pgs.

Imagine a huge ship, wafting its way through space. Imagine the ship filled with soldiers from a war, from both sides of the war.  Imagine the soldiers are in some kind of sleep.  Imagine something happens to the ship, taking it off course, slow-bulletsdisabling it and slowly, very slowly, the soldiers begin to wake.  Imagine what would happen as the two sides come together.  Well, no need to imagine any of that because Reynolds has evidently beat you to it.  Not only that but he’s added in war criminals, a crew that is literally stuck in the middle, and a universe that wants nothing to do with the ship and those on it.  Interesting is the best word we could come up with.  We’re not sure where in the universe this takes place as we recognized none of the descriptions but that’s neither here nor there.  Literally.  Enjoy it.  We did.

The Lyre Thief, Jennifer Fallon, Tor, ISBN 978-0-7653-8079-1, $27.99, 445 pgs.

This is part of the Hythrun Chronicles.  It is also War of the Gods Trilogy: Book One.  There are a number of volumes that make up these Chronicles.  To which we wonthe-lyre-thiefder: can you not complete your wars within a single volume?  Evidently not.  As a species you seem to enjoy dragging things along for years if not decades.  In fact we read a while ago about a hundred years war.  That’s a long time to be fighting.  If you ever manage to develop particle weapons you are going to be sorely disappointed since wars using those tend to last just weeks.  Princess Rakai and her slave half sister Charisee switch identities when Rakia is sent off to be the wife of a doddering old fool as part of a trade agreement.  Turns out Rakia is not really a princess after all since her mother had an affair with a guard captain.  And the whole thing would have gone south if not for the intervention of the Demon Child who calls the God Death to make a deal.  Complicated?  You bet.  But your entire species lives this way.  Well, except for the intervention of the gods thing because there are no gods but you did not hear that from us.  We enjoyed the intrigue even though this is yet another listing of places we have never heard of and which do not appear on any of your historical maps.  Time for your species to fix that.

Altered Starscape, Ian Douglas, Harper, ISBN 978-0-06-237919-1, $7.99, 373 pgs.

We enjoy that you think the first response to most unknowns is marines.  In this case space marines.  But, still.  Also, black holes are not transportation hubs.  You can get energy out of them, yes, but if you try to travel through one you just increasaltered-starscapee the amount of energy available for the black hole and do nothing for yourself, unless your goal was annihilation by black hole.  In that case everyone wins.  Lord Commander Grayson St. Clair is, supposedly, sucked through a black hole and travels not only in space but in time as well.  And, sure, all travel involves distance and time but this guy and his ship traveled light years and 4 billion year units in time. We suppose if you are going to screw with the laws of the universe you might as well go big or go home.  In this case, neither is an option and so they do the next logical thing—call out the space marines.  In this case it does seem to be warranted since they seem to be facing a nefarious enemy that appears to be all powerful.  This is the beginning of a new series.  We do not know how many books are in it since, evidently, Douglas is making it up as he goes along.  Not the way history, even future history, should work.  Still, we liked it, even if we did not recognize any of the other species involved.  But, like we have said before, you are way out on the end of one of the spiral arms—a place no one goes—so, who is to say what’s out here besides you?  Get your own copy and enjoy.

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The moon is falling, the moon is falling

April 24, 2011
Artist’s impression of how the surface of Plut...

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We watched with some amusement the recent furor you raised among yourselves when your moon appeared larger than normal. Not that your moon appears even remotely similar in size from night to night due to atmospheric and distance vagaries, but who are we to point out a flaw in your logic systems? Regardless, as Klaarg pointed out, so long as it’s big enough to see it’s big enough to steer around. But that is neither here nor there, Klaarg just likes to point things out using navigator references, as if to constantly remind us that he is the only one with the spaceship license. Not that the rest of us can’t drive the thing, we just need to find the manual so we know which buttons to push at what sequence. It surely can not be that difficult.

Back to the moon (which is something that your species will apparently never do). You Earthers seem particularly enamored of the big dusty thing. You seem to think it rules your sanity as much as it rules your oceans. And speaking of which, just because you are almost 78% liquid (78.5% on Fridays during happy hour) does not mean that the moon has any influence over you at all. The internal magma of your nickel iron cored planet exerts much more influence on your bodies than the moon ever will. Well, unless it comes crashing down, then it will exert a huge influence, albeit for only a brief span of awareness. But, back to the moon. It does not have any influence on you. Criminy, the next thing you know you’ll be thinking that Jupiter or Saturn is somehow influencing you in your houses, or that the stars themselves somehow have some significance in what you do or who you are. Perhaps you should study your films like we do to better know about yourselves. Did not your famous philosopher, Aristophanes say, I watch, therefore I see? We thought so.

Let’s face it. Moons are everywhere. Your own system has hundreds. Even some of the moons in your system have moons. There is even Pluto, which you have decided is not a planet. Therefor it must be a moon of the sun. In fact the darn things are everywhere you look, in every system you pass through, in every galaxy we have been to. And we have been to more than one or two, we will have you know. Klaarg, says three. We have been to three. They all had moons. Lots of them. Big ones, small ones, round ones, elongated ones, lumpy ones, icy ones, liquid ones, whipped cream and cherry ones. No, we made that last one up. But the rest all exist.

We had planned an extended discussion of the lunar influence on your movie cycles but Klaarg, who is usually pretty reliable when picking up videos (barring run ins with robots) was unable to go this time due to cellular reconstruction and restitution. So, Ssthpppithicarssus, or Slippery as we sometimes call her, went in his stead. Slippery has a rare genetic disorder, and, in fact, should have been vaporized at birth but somehow managed to slip through the cracks in the birthing chamber and survived. This disorder sometimes randomly reorganizes the cellular structure of her memory centers. This is typically a harmless condition, unless she is out getting groceries in which case you never know what she will return with, or videos, which suffer the same end result. So, without saying anything more, we begin our discussion of your culture, your species, and your particular place in time and space.

Dinoshark is a documentary about two things: global warming and spring break, at least as far as we can tell. Evidently this prehistoric (look, there was history then too, just not many historians) shark became frozen in the arctic and global warming freed it just in time for a long swim to South America where it began eating people. Why it didn’t decide to just stick around Iceland or some other large island near where it got free is never really adequately explained but we are sure there were good reasons. There was a lot of swimming in this movie, both on the part of you humans and the shark itself. We’re not quite sure what the message is except don’t swim in water with giant sharks. The global warming piece seemed to get lost amid the bikinis and blood.

Mongolian Death Worm is another tale of environmental warning. This time it is the desert, where you are drilling for oil by pumping water into the Earth. Only your species would think this is a good idea. We can only ponder how dry your oceans would be in you had decided that hydro-fusion was the way to go to power your vehicles instead of using petroleum. So, you pump all this water into the desert which almost immediately angers the death worms living there. They then feel a need to come up and teach you a lesson. Of course if they knew how destructive humans are when it came to other species they would have gone in a different direction. Needless to say, humans win, death worms lose–if you can call remaining dependent upon petroleum winning.

I Am Number Four which leads us to reply, yes, but we really wished you had been number one. What more can we say. The only explanation was that the moon was full and the creator of this thing was thinking of something else. If only those thoughts had been filmed instead.

Well, we have once again not been able to discuss all of the videos that we had hoped to discuss. Of course we didn’t get to actually watch any of the videos we really wanted to watch anyway so maybe it’s a wash. Until next time, Spa Fon and always taste the Spooze before purchasing.


Greenings (again) Earthers

March 7, 2011
Actress Milla Jovovich participating in a pane...

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We are here once more to report on our findings after a thorough review of your video records, or, as thorough as we could manage after Klaarg’s run in with an electronic parking meter that he thought was a uni-wheeled utility robot, which made him late with the pizza. I suppose also that we need to reconvert our titling as so few of your records exist on video anymore. We should probably swap over to utilizing the phrase digital record but we do so love tape and film, no matter what James Cameron or George Lucas say.

In any point, we were discussing–Klaarg, Hmmmenmmmenefra, Decarlo (don’t ask), and myself–your penchant for trying to envision a deeper and darker future for yourself. Your pundits call this a post apocalyptic shadow. We call it a lack of vision or, simply, a species wide depression. We think, perhaps, that you are beginning to actually see how limited you are as a species and you are not encouraged by it. Thus, all of these post apocalyptic films that are dark, depressing and, essentially, expressing your special suicide. Wait, because we know some of you will misread the previous sentence we need to expand. We do not mean special as in different or nice, but special as in, related to species. Put the emphasis on the first e and make it long. Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way perhaps you can explain to us why, in all of your apocalyptic movies, the first thing your species seems to do, post apocalyptically speaking, is destroy what little useful stuff actually remains?

We think there may actually be some kind of religious aspect to this but we can’t really explore that vein due to the loss of Bla’haauggh, our religious mythologist, who stepped into the sonic shower and turned the setting to dust instead of exfoliate. We have fond memories of Bla’haauggh and see him whenever we go to a zero gravity state (It’s really hard to get all the dust out of the mother ship, no matter how hard you try and it’s not like Klaarg will let us let loose a Roomba).

So, here we are, with a pile of somewhat dusty DVDs that we’ve viewed and studied in order to get some glimpse into why you do the things you do. Luckily we got a good bunch this time and learned a lot. For example, in “Resident Evil: Afterlife we learned that it’s not a good idea to let big corporations run things–at least on Earth, since Interstellar Trans runs pretty much everything to do with bi-dimensional, extra-solar voyaging from our end of the universe. But, we are talking of you and not us. In this documentary we learn that your phrasing of being a corporate drone might be truer than we had thought since many of the corporate employees in this video were not just drone like but downright zombie like. Sure, Milla Jovovich does her best to lighten things up but remember we are dealing with a plague of zombies so how much lighter can things get? Still, she tries. Perhaps she should shower more?

Monsters Special Edition + Digital Copy [Blu-ray] is not so much about monsters as it is about how silly you Earthers get when you take a simple idea and let it run away with you. In this video we are supposed to believe that one of your own spacecraft returned to your planet and somehow scattered alien life across a large part of Mexico which, in an oddly prescient review of the whole Arizona mess, caused Americans to build a huge wall between the two countries. Well, we have to tell you, alien life does not just fall from the sky willy nilly. Nor does any self respecting sentient just jump onto the first probe that comes along. You have a lot to learn.

As we mentioned earlier, and as we mention again because we know of your tiny ability to retain information in a linear form, we lost our religious mythologist so we have been making do as best we can. Hmmmenmmmenefra has been filling in admirably we must admit but we still wonder what gaps there might exist in the knowledge that a sustenance provocator who was formerly an interstellar radio manipulator (he lost his calling when everyone switched to cable) brings to the effort. Still, when all you have is an ex-communicator you go with it. So, while we are sure there is meaning that we are missing we are also sure that none of that is here. Consider what we gleaned, for example, from The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu. We found your Cthulhu religion very reminiscent of the slithering overlords of sector A3B. The main difference being that the sentients in that sector did not survive the worship demands put upon them while you, as a species, still seems pretty oblivious. Ah well, perhaps ignorance is bliss.

We had more to say. We almost always do. But, if we put it all in one report they would expect us back sooner and we’re afraid we might miss something really important. You will produce something really important as a species sooner or later, won’t you? Do it soon or we’ll miss it. Thanks. And when in doubt send Spooze.


Rocket Ahead to the New Solar Cycle

December 31, 2010
First generation Roomba (Roomba is a trademark...

Image via Wikipedia

We are struck that, as a species purporting to be peaceful (We come in peace for all Mankind, voyager plaque, dedicated to peace in our lifetime), your spaceships seem to bristle with weaponry (Battlestar Galactica, Enterprise, the Last Starfighter). This seems to be a contradiction. But then, you seem to be a contradictory species. We would like to point out that our Mark VI Mothership contains no weaponry at all. Sure, we could induce the plasma core to a high fusion state and drop it onto your planet creating a small black hole that would suck your solar system into an oblivion state but that would cause us to lose our main source of propulsion as well and we would have to unfurl the solar sails to get home. And, frankly, Klaarg, while an adequate navigator, is not much of a sailor.

We can find no precedent to this contradictory nature of your species.  You seem to want to be one thing or to have others believe you are this other thing while you go merrily along being the thing that is exactly opposite.  Perhaps your species was hit on the head at a young age and somehow broken.  Maybe it was a comet that struck a glancing blow before wobbling off alone. All we know is that much sodium must be used when listening to you.  Why, just the other day, Klaarg, after successfully conquering a Roomba, declared that it was simply pointless to ask anyone on your planet directions since not a single one of you seem to know exactly where you are.  If you do not know where you are you do not know how to get anywhere.  And we are not talking about GPS coordinates, which most of you have now that you carry around smart phones (which is another whole thing entirely as if you are leaking what little intelligence you retain into your carry on electronic devices).

Klaarg was simply trying to get to your on again-off again planet Pluto to get some dip for the end of cycle celebration when he stopped to ask a group of humans whether he needed to navigate around the planet or could he just head straight up and out and not a single one knew.  Most, he said, were not even aware of Pluto’s status change.  If you do not know where the planets are in your own system (and remember, these are mostly gas giants so they tend to be large) then it is no surprise that you do not know the whereabouts of your vehicle keys.  Not to worry though, Klaarg managed to get there, Roomba dust and all.

Finally, we were set to do a big end of cycle finish filling you in on all the different videos we had seen but Mmnthpmmtpmmth set the dvd player too close to the matter recycler and we think it did something to the groove reading laser device because every disk we put in there just gets heated to a near plasma state before being forcefully ejected across the room.  While we think the resulting bonding of plastic to plasiform corridor barrier is quite artistic we are pretty sure that Netflix is going to take a dim view of our not being able to return a single disc from our last delivery.

Well, that is all for now.  Klaarg is mixing his dip for the approaching festivities and the rest of us are trying to figure out whether we revert to your older VHS technologies or just go without movies for an evening.  I suppose we could always just zoom over to Best Buy and get a new player but traffic is no fun on this planet, especially around your holy days.  Tomorrow begins a new random cycle for you (we do not understand why you celebrate it rather than the galactic ascendency, but then, there are many things we do not understand about you) and you will no doubt spend much of it recovering from the mind altering stupor you seem to think makes you appear cute.  Until then we send you Spa Fon.


Where in the World is Klaarg?

November 21, 2010
Cover of "Not of This Earth"

Cover of Not of This Earth

We have received many missives from you Earthers asking about Klaarg’s whereabouts and all wondering the same thing–where in the world is he? We hate to inform you that Klaarg is not in the world at all. Nor is he on it. We know we have told you all this in the past but we figure you have simply all acted as Earthers and the moment you received the information you became interested in something else and promptly forgot it. So, we will inform you once more. Klaarg is navigator. He holds a certificate from the academy and while many of us wonder exactly how that happened, the fact remains that he has one.  So, he spends a great deal of time with the mothership. We are not quite sure what he is doing there, but, then, so long as he knows what buttons to push when we need to get from here to there who are we to complain?

Needful to say, Klaarg spends a lot of time fusioning here and warping there. We imagine he would spend more time with us if he had not lost the manual to the mothership. It’s a Mark IV, and while much of it is automated you still have to remember what to push, when to push it, and what all the numbers on all those readouts mean. It’s a lot easier with the manual. But, we don’t have one anymore. We think it was lost in the video disk fusing event that occurred one of your solar cycles ago. Klaarg was behind it all. We told him that the particle accelerator was not a good substitute for the microwave for making popcorn but he had to try anyway. Frankly, we are not sure what we actually had to eject into the sun that day but we believe it contained the full set of Highlander dvd’s, 29.5 ounces of cheesy popcorn, 2 sets of 3D glasses (the good ones with multiple and variable eye slots), a goldfish, 2 linear feet of Osmodium, a pear in a partridge tree, and, evidently, the manual to the mothership. There was also 35.6 ounces of additional matter, and we will probably never know exactly what it was. Could have been dark matter for all we know.

So, Klaarg is not here.  However, if you are missing a robot then he was probably there. He hates them you know.

He did leave this report on a batch of videos he watched the last time he was out and about. Or, as you Canadian humans say, oot and aboot. Yes, indeed, we are learning another human language. Eh?

Not Of This Earth (1988)(Roger Corman’s Cult Classics) is an example of why we find you Earthers so amusing. So, explain to us why this Roger Corman would take the time to actually remake a movie that he had already made–and do it just as poorly? Sure, it has your Traci Lords in it and an alien whom we don’t really recognize but then we do not know everyone, and some small amount of humor, but this is like stepping in dog poop. Sure, it’s amusing the first time but not enough to bear repeating.  In any case, Lords is a nurse who gets a job taking care of an old human who turns out to be a blood drinking alien.  Why you think aliens want your blood is besides us.  With all that you ingest it is pretty toxic stuff.

For our second entry, we are again confused. “Highlander (Director’s Cut) [Blu-ray] is another example of your duplicity. This is the director’s cut, and yet it is pretty much the same as the non-director’s cut. Same idea: there can be only one, except when there are more than one; same silly notion that even in modern times you should be slicing people up with big knives instead of using the fusion weapons that your deity gave you; and somehow everyone pretty much just ignores the collateral damage that is occurring all about. We are pretty sure that if we landed the mothership on one of your buildings you would be upset about it, or at least notice.  Maybe not, you do spend a great deal of time looking inward.

And yet, again, you try to confuse us. This is “V: The Complete First Season and yet it is not since the complete first season was a decade earlier in 2001. And, yet again, you are recreating your history. Why are you showing this invasion all over again. They came once and they were not that interesting. They helped control the rodent problem for a short while and then you managed to get them to leave. Why dvd them coming again? It is almost as if you Earthers think that you can re-imagine yourselves to a better present. It can’t be done. Have we not had the time discussion with you? Perhaps you were not listening.

Lastly, and finally, a film that we can relate to. “Altered States We are big fans of altered states, what with our being amorphously transcellular. So, we watched this with interest. We watched four times in a row. We could not help ourselves. We kept losing consciousness. While the concepts are interesting and the acting is good, the pacing is tediously slow. We begin to wonder whether the title had more to do with the director’s frame of mind than the movie content. We will never know most likely as you humans have probably reinvented that particular story a couple of dozens of times by now.

So, that’s it.  Until next time, keep your robots indoors because Klaarg is out there.


I’m a Doctor, Jim, not an Operator

November 6, 2010
An Amtrak train on the NEC in NJ, as seen from...

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We use the words of your very own Doctor McCoy from your very own Star Trek Documentaries (although how you are managing this when you can not even get out of your own gravity well still remains a mystery to us but it may explain why they never really seemed to want to return to Earth). But we egress. We were on the train, traveling to a conference in your capital of cities (where the people who live there, in the center of your self-proclaimed representative system of management have no representation). We egress again. We were on your mass transportation system Amtrak (which neither has much mass, galactically speaking, nor does it really transport all that well according to their inability to get one of these trains anywhere on time) Egressing once more. Sorry.

It was thus that we were presented with the inevitable proof that all young species must pass through a number of states prior to self-actualization. Of course, nuclear destruction, environmental disaster, asteroidal interruption, planetary disruption, and cometary impact can all delay this progress and, in many cases, severely retard it. This has happened to you previously which explains why you are so retarded now. But, once again, we egress. We happened to read an article in one of your advanced medical journals about robotic surgery. Klaarg was not with us, which explains why we were on the train to begin with, so we were free to read whatever we wanted to. We did not get the chance to read much of the article but surely the title captured the essence. And so, we wondered, why you would create a surgery for a thing that you do not yet have. Should you not have created the robots first? Sure you have Roomba and that one that cleans your swimming pools and those ones that build your individual transport devices. But these all require a great deal of human interaction before they can function in even a very rudimentary level. So, the fact that you have invented surgery for robots prior to actually having created robots is a definite sign that you are still in the confused stage of your advancement. This was further brought to our attention on the train itself as person after person spoke into their mobile communicators, saying over and over such things as “are you there?” “can you hear me?” “Hello?” “Hello?” Over and over we tell you. And loudly. Need we remind you that you had pretty much perfected telephones in the 1990’s? Then, for some reason you decided to make it all better. Now, instead of the crystal clear, world-wide communication you had in 1995 you have returned to the scratchy, intermittent, poorly receptive communication you had in 1957. Go figure.

But we egress once again when we are really here to administer our wisdom about your most recent video releases. To wit, and to whither, let us share with you our thoughts–no scratchiness or intermittentness involved.

Klaarg did not pick these so it is somewhat ironic that there is not a robot amongst them. Just the way the universe works it seems. And speaking of such let us begin by delving into Back to the Future: 25th Anniversary Trilogy (+ Digital Copy) Now, we should like to point out that this may very well be the future that this video wants to go back to given that this originally came out 25 years in your past. We need to tell you though, that time travel is pretty much impossible. Too many contradictions. if you knew that yesterday’s lunch would give you heartburn then you would go back to order something different which begins a causality chain, often involving waitresses who are destined to become nuclear physicists but won’t because of your missing tip money, with dire consequences. So, sorry, no traveling in time. Especially for you as a species. You can barely negotiate the now, never mind the past (again) or the yet to be future.

Okay, so Victoria, who is a different Victoria from before (no time travel involved) wants to destroy Bella who is in love, kinda, sorta, with Edward who is actually dead. But, Bella also seems to have the hots for Jacob who is friends with Edward, sort of, and also does not like Victoria, either this new one or the old one. Yes, that is right, we actually watched “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) We were confused and dismayed and nonplussed. In short it made all of our brains hurt just trying to figure out who was who and what they were about and why we should care.

Look, we enjoy a shoot-em-up involving blue beings as much as the next species. But we like to see some realism as well. We have been all over the galaxy (when we are not stuck way out here in the empty spiral arms with you) and we know a lot of blue species and, for the most part they are pretty sapient and use it diligently and that’s only speaking of the aquatic ones. “Avatar (Three-Disc Extended Collector’s Edition + BD-Live) [Blu-ray] kind of presents us with a dilemma since we were not sure who we were supposed to root for. We did not care all that much for the greedy humans who were seeking out their impossible mineral. But we also did not care so much for the blue people who did not seem to be all that in touch with their planet or with what was going on around them. It may have been pretty to look at, assuming you like to watch genocide and big explosions, but it fell far short on the meter of sentience.

Full circle have we come as we close with “Doctor Who: The Complete Fifth Series. Let us state once more that time travel is not a good idea, besides it being against the law. We did like the adventures a great deal although we did not know a single species involved which makes us a bit suspicious about some of the locations. Remember, we are pretty familiar with the galaxy in this area. We think we will have to look at more of this Doctor’s travels before we can make a full and final determination about its credibility.

And, now, it is most apt to egress a final time.


Greenings and Great Post Extermination Day to you

October 14, 2010

Once again we come to you with great thoughts and observations that we have both observed and, well, thought. We are observing now in one of your more unusual places–your Hollyworld. It is not so much a world as a large quasi illusory shared delusion. How else to explain all this stuff? In any case, we made the mistake of telling Klaarg, our navigator if you remember, to go out and get some videos and when he asked if he should go to the terminal axis we thought he meant Video World and not that he would take the mother ship here to Hollyworld. This would not be a problem except that the rest of us were in the ship playing genetic Jango. Let me tell you there is nothing like a maneuvering mothership during genetic Jango to create some odd lifeforms. I am afraid it will be weeks before we will be able to vacuum out all of them (we need to replace one of our interoceters before we can even get to vacuum). We do not think any of them got out of the ship although it is always hard to tell with new life forms exactly what they are capable of or, indeed, their escape velocity. Still we are pretty sure not, and, if they did, they fell out over Lost Angels, California so you will probably not notice. We hope also that some day you will help us with your naming conventions as well. We have been to a lot of your multiple convening sites and wonder why they all have a street named First. Surely there can be only one. Of course that did not stop you with that Highlander series thing. So maybe logic is not as strong a point for your species as you think it is.

In any case, or in this case, as it were and will be, we would like to point out that your continued use of your planetary resources is not a good thing. Not that you should not use the resources because that would simply be silly. Not that you don’t do silly really well either. But, the rate you are using your resources is alarming, even for us, and we have been to holiday on the desolate remnants of the planet of the Fling who used their entire planet up in 22 stellar cycles, or, in their terms six generations. And they bred fairly young so you can imagine.

We had this brought to mind as we were pondering your recent celebration of what you consider discovery day. While we try never to argue with a species about what they call a thing we feel obligated to point out (okay, Hummer feels obligated to point this out but that’s because he is our resident alienogist) that what you call discovery is mostly nothing more than a mistaken landing somewhere that already existed and, in most cases, was already inhabited so was already, basically, discovered and what your species really does is not so much discover as exterminate. But that may require more space than we are willing to use here and now because Klaarg did come through with some exciting videos for us. We don’t know where he got them though so if you happen to be missing these we can only waver a tentacle in your direction and look glum.

Iron Man 2 was the first one we watched and again, back to this whole naming convention thing you do, we are confused. The movie is about a human in a metal suit and while the suit may have contained some Iron it is more likely a lighter, more flexible alloy such as absurdium or unobtanium. You simply could not get iron to work that way. Too heavy and too brittle. Beyond that, though, the being inside the suit is human and not iron at all. In fact, neither of the beings in the suits were made of metal. So, we have to sadly say, that we were thrown right from the very beginning. We also do not know why your society seems to produce evil geniuses who are also incompetent. Surely you could do better if you tried.

Oddly enough Klaarg returned with this video even though he was unaware of our genetic Jango situation. Splice is about your very own scientists (they could have been evil geniuses but we were not sure and the video did not provide enough elucidation for us to even make educated guesses. Based on our best estimates, which are typically pretty good, we think they fall more in the area of incompetent plodders. This is perhaps beyond the point as they did what they did and someone captured it on this video. What they did was combine things, and we do mean things, with human DNA. Now, we could tell you that this is just not possible. While DNA is very pliable indeed, inter-species splicing is simply not possible. The Exton Valdeee tried this for years and look where it got them–reduced to a cold, barely sentient sludge. But we watched anyway, hoping to learn more of your science processes. It was, as they say, not pretty.

We are always excited to stumble across one of your space faring documentaries as we like to see where you think you have been and where you are going. So, when Klaarg brought back Stargate Universe we were quite excited. So much so that we left the popcorn in the matter accelerator too long and filled the mother ship with smoke. We have to admit that we watched each episode on this disk and yet could not identify a single planet, star, race or sector. Either you are going places no one has been before, places no one is supposed to go, or you are, simply, just making all this stuff up. Hard to tell. We also find some minor fault with these gates. There is no good reason, energy wise, that they should be so limited as you present them. Worm holes, right? It is almost as if you are creating this situation just to make a point, sort of a means to a parable end, if you will. Either that or you simply do not understand the way energy works.

Finally, and we always try to save the best for last, we looked at Slumber Party Massacre Collection. This one seemed to have everything we were looking for–excitement, a sleepover, continuity over a period of time, 3 complete documentaries!!!, sleep, and much hilarity. Sadly we were let down on the hilarity side as these disks contained a lot of idiocy and blood, and if we had wanted that we would have simply rented one of your histories. We do not fully understand whether it is the darkness itself or the scanty clothing that produces consistently bad decision making. But, as we watched, you portray yourself in situation after situation where it would actually be very easy to get away and yet these humans don’t, preferring, it seems, to remain in the area where the psychotic killer is. We can understand the psychotic killer staying in that area but the reasoning of the others eludes us. Well, we can say that about many things involving humans, can’t we?

Until next time, we wish you happy extermination day with many more to come although that is actually pretty doubtful.