I’m a Doctor, Jim, not an Operator

November 6, 2010
An Amtrak train on the NEC in NJ, as seen from...

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We use the words of your very own Doctor McCoy from your very own Star Trek Documentaries (although how you are managing this when you can not even get out of your own gravity well still remains a mystery to us but it may explain why they never really seemed to want to return to Earth). But we egress. We were on the train, traveling to a conference in your capital of cities (where the people who live there, in the center of your self-proclaimed representative system of management have no representation). We egress again. We were on your mass transportation system Amtrak (which neither has much mass, galactically speaking, nor does it really transport all that well according to their inability to get one of these trains anywhere on time) Egressing once more. Sorry.

It was thus that we were presented with the inevitable proof that all young species must pass through a number of states prior to self-actualization. Of course, nuclear destruction, environmental disaster, asteroidal interruption, planetary disruption, and cometary impact can all delay this progress and, in many cases, severely retard it. This has happened to you previously which explains why you are so retarded now. But, once again, we egress. We happened to read an article in one of your advanced medical journals about robotic surgery. Klaarg was not with us, which explains why we were on the train to begin with, so we were free to read whatever we wanted to. We did not get the chance to read much of the article but surely the title captured the essence. And so, we wondered, why you would create a surgery for a thing that you do not yet have. Should you not have created the robots first? Sure you have Roomba and that one that cleans your swimming pools and those ones that build your individual transport devices. But these all require a great deal of human interaction before they can function in even a very rudimentary level. So, the fact that you have invented surgery for robots prior to actually having created robots is a definite sign that you are still in the confused stage of your advancement. This was further brought to our attention on the train itself as person after person spoke into their mobile communicators, saying over and over such things as “are you there?” “can you hear me?” “Hello?” “Hello?” Over and over we tell you. And loudly. Need we remind you that you had pretty much perfected telephones in the 1990’s? Then, for some reason you decided to make it all better. Now, instead of the crystal clear, world-wide communication you had in 1995 you have returned to the scratchy, intermittent, poorly receptive communication you had in 1957. Go figure.

But we egress once again when we are really here to administer our wisdom about your most recent video releases. To wit, and to whither, let us share with you our thoughts–no scratchiness or intermittentness involved.

Klaarg did not pick these so it is somewhat ironic that there is not a robot amongst them. Just the way the universe works it seems. And speaking of such let us begin by delving into Back to the Future: 25th Anniversary Trilogy (+ Digital Copy) Now, we should like to point out that this may very well be the future that this video wants to go back to given that this originally came out 25 years in your past. We need to tell you though, that time travel is pretty much impossible. Too many contradictions. if you knew that yesterday’s lunch would give you heartburn then you would go back to order something different which begins a causality chain, often involving waitresses who are destined to become nuclear physicists but won’t because of your missing tip money, with dire consequences. So, sorry, no traveling in time. Especially for you as a species. You can barely negotiate the now, never mind the past (again) or the yet to be future.

Okay, so Victoria, who is a different Victoria from before (no time travel involved) wants to destroy Bella who is in love, kinda, sorta, with Edward who is actually dead. But, Bella also seems to have the hots for Jacob who is friends with Edward, sort of, and also does not like Victoria, either this new one or the old one. Yes, that is right, we actually watched “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) We were confused and dismayed and nonplussed. In short it made all of our brains hurt just trying to figure out who was who and what they were about and why we should care.

Look, we enjoy a shoot-em-up involving blue beings as much as the next species. But we like to see some realism as well. We have been all over the galaxy (when we are not stuck way out here in the empty spiral arms with you) and we know a lot of blue species and, for the most part they are pretty sapient and use it diligently and that’s only speaking of the aquatic ones. “Avatar (Three-Disc Extended Collector’s Edition + BD-Live) [Blu-ray] kind of presents us with a dilemma since we were not sure who we were supposed to root for. We did not care all that much for the greedy humans who were seeking out their impossible mineral. But we also did not care so much for the blue people who did not seem to be all that in touch with their planet or with what was going on around them. It may have been pretty to look at, assuming you like to watch genocide and big explosions, but it fell far short on the meter of sentience.

Full circle have we come as we close with “Doctor Who: The Complete Fifth Series. Let us state once more that time travel is not a good idea, besides it being against the law. We did like the adventures a great deal although we did not know a single species involved which makes us a bit suspicious about some of the locations. Remember, we are pretty familiar with the galaxy in this area. We think we will have to look at more of this Doctor’s travels before we can make a full and final determination about its credibility.

And, now, it is most apt to egress a final time.

Greenings and Great Post Extermination Day to you

October 14, 2010

Once again we come to you with great thoughts and observations that we have both observed and, well, thought. We are observing now in one of your more unusual places–your Hollyworld. It is not so much a world as a large quasi illusory shared delusion. How else to explain all this stuff? In any case, we made the mistake of telling Klaarg, our navigator if you remember, to go out and get some videos and when he asked if he should go to the terminal axis we thought he meant Video World and not that he would take the mother ship here to Hollyworld. This would not be a problem except that the rest of us were in the ship playing genetic Jango. Let me tell you there is nothing like a maneuvering mothership during genetic Jango to create some odd lifeforms. I am afraid it will be weeks before we will be able to vacuum out all of them (we need to replace one of our interoceters before we can even get to vacuum). We do not think any of them got out of the ship although it is always hard to tell with new life forms exactly what they are capable of or, indeed, their escape velocity. Still we are pretty sure not, and, if they did, they fell out over Lost Angels, California so you will probably not notice. We hope also that some day you will help us with your naming conventions as well. We have been to a lot of your multiple convening sites and wonder why they all have a street named First. Surely there can be only one. Of course that did not stop you with that Highlander series thing. So maybe logic is not as strong a point for your species as you think it is.

In any case, or in this case, as it were and will be, we would like to point out that your continued use of your planetary resources is not a good thing. Not that you should not use the resources because that would simply be silly. Not that you don’t do silly really well either. But, the rate you are using your resources is alarming, even for us, and we have been to holiday on the desolate remnants of the planet of the Fling who used their entire planet up in 22 stellar cycles, or, in their terms six generations. And they bred fairly young so you can imagine.

We had this brought to mind as we were pondering your recent celebration of what you consider discovery day. While we try never to argue with a species about what they call a thing we feel obligated to point out (okay, Hummer feels obligated to point this out but that’s because he is our resident alienogist) that what you call discovery is mostly nothing more than a mistaken landing somewhere that already existed and, in most cases, was already inhabited so was already, basically, discovered and what your species really does is not so much discover as exterminate. But that may require more space than we are willing to use here and now because Klaarg did come through with some exciting videos for us. We don’t know where he got them though so if you happen to be missing these we can only waver a tentacle in your direction and look glum.

Iron Man 2 was the first one we watched and again, back to this whole naming convention thing you do, we are confused. The movie is about a human in a metal suit and while the suit may have contained some Iron it is more likely a lighter, more flexible alloy such as absurdium or unobtanium. You simply could not get iron to work that way. Too heavy and too brittle. Beyond that, though, the being inside the suit is human and not iron at all. In fact, neither of the beings in the suits were made of metal. So, we have to sadly say, that we were thrown right from the very beginning. We also do not know why your society seems to produce evil geniuses who are also incompetent. Surely you could do better if you tried.

Oddly enough Klaarg returned with this video even though he was unaware of our genetic Jango situation. Splice is about your very own scientists (they could have been evil geniuses but we were not sure and the video did not provide enough elucidation for us to even make educated guesses. Based on our best estimates, which are typically pretty good, we think they fall more in the area of incompetent plodders. This is perhaps beyond the point as they did what they did and someone captured it on this video. What they did was combine things, and we do mean things, with human DNA. Now, we could tell you that this is just not possible. While DNA is very pliable indeed, inter-species splicing is simply not possible. The Exton Valdeee tried this for years and look where it got them–reduced to a cold, barely sentient sludge. But we watched anyway, hoping to learn more of your science processes. It was, as they say, not pretty.

We are always excited to stumble across one of your space faring documentaries as we like to see where you think you have been and where you are going. So, when Klaarg brought back Stargate Universe we were quite excited. So much so that we left the popcorn in the matter accelerator too long and filled the mother ship with smoke. We have to admit that we watched each episode on this disk and yet could not identify a single planet, star, race or sector. Either you are going places no one has been before, places no one is supposed to go, or you are, simply, just making all this stuff up. Hard to tell. We also find some minor fault with these gates. There is no good reason, energy wise, that they should be so limited as you present them. Worm holes, right? It is almost as if you are creating this situation just to make a point, sort of a means to a parable end, if you will. Either that or you simply do not understand the way energy works.

Finally, and we always try to save the best for last, we looked at Slumber Party Massacre Collection. This one seemed to have everything we were looking for–excitement, a sleepover, continuity over a period of time, 3 complete documentaries!!!, sleep, and much hilarity. Sadly we were let down on the hilarity side as these disks contained a lot of idiocy and blood, and if we had wanted that we would have simply rented one of your histories. We do not fully understand whether it is the darkness itself or the scanty clothing that produces consistently bad decision making. But, as we watched, you portray yourself in situation after situation where it would actually be very easy to get away and yet these humans don’t, preferring, it seems, to remain in the area where the psychotic killer is. We can understand the psychotic killer staying in that area but the reasoning of the others eludes us. Well, we can say that about many things involving humans, can’t we?

Until next time, we wish you happy extermination day with many more to come although that is actually pretty doubtful.

Welcomings for Inputs

September 14, 2010
Teddy bears lifted to 30,085 metres above sea ...

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If we had known that so many of you would have responded to our previous report we might have taken more care to not say as much as we did. Too many instants have passed since then and the laws of temporal dynamics forbid us from rectifying it. Klaarg is still on probation for the last time we broke those laws and, even though we are stuck way out here in the spiral arm and probably safe from any interventions, we do not feel it is worth it to take a chance. They are out there you know. So, since we can not return in time to take another stance let us instead work to resolve some of your Earther issues.
*First, we know nothing about black helicopters. We have a Mark IV mothership and use the shuttles when we need transport. We would not even know which buttons to push to close the doors of these black helicopters never mind find the ones to make them move.
*Second, we thank all of you who volunteered for probing but we are finished with that arm of our research. We were only allowed to probe a very specific number of Earthers as part of our studies and those had to be limited to very specific parameters concerning intelligence and geography. So, please, read our communication membranes: No New Probing.
*Third, we need to remind you that we know nothing of robots.  We can not tell you about robots from your future, robots from your past, robots who may have been vice presidents, or robots that are currently working in the fashion industry and need to be stopped.  Klaarg would like us to remind you that the only good robot is a non-existent robot.
*Fourth, we know nothing about Area 51.  We did spend some time in Area 52, which was nice and kind of vacationey, and we did spend a few hours at District 9, and two days in Section 11, subsection 4, but this Area 51 you continually yammer about is unknown to us.  Fifth, we are here to study human behavior and not affect human behavior.  It is part of the extra-solar policies to  personnel, sort of a main directive if you will.  And it is a real one, not like that silly thing in those Star Trek Diaries where they blather on and on for twenty minutes about how important it is and then immediately turn around a break it with no consequences.  Trust us, there are serious consequences when you interfere with primitive civilizations.  And we should know.

In any case, now that we have fixed you all about this, we can move on to more important issues.  Videos we have watched!!

We have always been huge fans of planetary bombardment and collision.  So, when we saw Starcrash we knew we had to watch it. We were disappointed on a number of levels. First, there were no stars crashing, or even careening, just some woman in a skin-tight space suit cavorting with a fuzzy haired man and a robot. (And boy was Klaarg upset about that. It took us two days to get him to come out of the pre-sentient storage bay.) We are also pretty sure that bikinis in space are a bad idea. Then again, you Earthers really know nothing of space so you will perhaps find this out for yourself, assuming you survive the coming ice age.

No sooner did we get Klaarg seated and full of popcorn than we put in Bladerunner. Who knew that when they spoke of replicants they meant robots. We’re not sure where Klaarg went this time and we think it might be best to wait until we are finished with movie night to go look for him as he will not be a happy camper. In any case, to return to our work, we found this documentary somewhat fascinating. We believe we have seen it before but we were captivated anyway. We liked the way you continue to see your future as dark and despairing, albeit most of you seemed to have survived the cataclysms. We are also beginning to think that your fascination with robots is as unhealthy as Klaarg’s fear of them. Why do you constantly envision futures that are so full of them–and usually they are going wrong? Either learn to build good robots or just utilize genetic manipulation.

We, like many of you we bet, just love a good prison movie. This is why we picked up Convict 762. Unfortunately, the way we get our videos precludes their coming to us in boxes or cases so we almost never get a visual clue about what we are about to watch. This is usually a good thing since most of your movie documentaries are really not all that well done and your marketing ability often surpasses your creative ability. We mention this because Klaarg had managed to stuff himself into the research arena and heard us talking about the title and managed to actually do a subliminal authenticity search based on the name and thus managed to see the box cover–which, much to our embarrassment and chagrin–contained a cyborg, or, as Klaarg likes to scream out, a ROBOT! We just hope we have nowhere to go for the next month or so because Klaarg is the navigator and we think it will take him that long to come out of hiding. The movie was also pretty bad, a bunch of Earther young women flying around space, making bad choices and ending up on a penal colony, looking for rocket fuel. We think they though the penal colony meant something else. It is the only real answer for why they would go there. After a bunch of other bad decisions, due mostly, we think, to bad writing and lack of imagination, and a lot of deaths, one of the young woman manages to leave the colony with two penals aboard and everyone is happy. Or are they? It is unclear exactly what is going on at the end even though it involved a robot and that usually bodes ill for organics in your future imaginings.

Well, we have to go and look for Klaarg. We don’t expect to find him but he gets really upset if we don’t look. Until next time we remind you that Spooze is best served at room temperature, unless, of course, you are from a vulcan planet, in which case you should refrigerate.

Greenings and Words of Warning

September 9, 2010
The FBI Seal where the circle of stars represe...

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It has come to our attention that there exists, on your internets, material which might be construed as being indicative of us, or at least some of us. Klaarg, while inter-id surfing, managed to stumble on the following web location: Invisible Friends. Go and look, we will wait.

Ah, you return. No doubt you see the similarity just as Klaarg did and as the rest of us do. While we have not yet had a chance to study your mental illness we are sure that this Mr. Sawicki, who is the purported writer behind this fantasy, has it. With the assistance of the FBI database and a few other governmental repositories of information we have discerned that this once mentioned individual has been sending out notices concerning talking monkeys, dogs, fish, and, gasp, aliens. We can only imagine where he comes up with these things? Surely not his imagination. We have studied Earther imagination and it is more rated than it deserves. That being the case, Klaarg would like to, at this time, remind you that Mr. Sawicki is not only a writer but undoubtedly on medication. This means that you must take anything he says or writes with considerable numbers of sodium crystals or, as one of your beloved leaders once said, and we are not sure exactly which one it was, “strange days indeed.” If this Mr. Sawicki’s writings were by some chance true, then the merchandising for such things as Spooze, alien action figures with full tenstacular action, model motherships, a ‘monkey dung’ video game, t-shirts, etc. would already be snapped up. We would also like to point out that under the interstellar creator code of Admok21113, the full rights to any such creations would belong not to Mr. Sawicki but to the aforementioned non-existent aliens.

While we regret to having to spend space we were hoping to utilize to further destruct your selection process (November is quickly coming as your planet rotates) on this unfortunate discovery, we are also glad to be able to take this time to dissuade those of you who may have stumbled on this sad excuse for funny from taking it seriously. So, in the spirit of interstellar harmony, we hope that you will take Mr. Sawicki’s wanderings of the mind in the same light as which they were written–most likely a dim, barely visible one.

We express our mutual gratitude in advance. Please acknowledge that our next visitation will revert to our selection of video reports (assuming we can get Klaarg to return to the video store after his lasts ill-fated venturing out (which we hope you did not read in your newsprinted journals. Until next time, feel free to send DNA, or just message and we’ll come to you. Bye for now and please just delete any further notes, letters, manila packages or emails you may get from Mr. Sawicki without actually reading them. Feel no guilt. His mind is sideways.

Vote for us, or not, as your capriciousness allows

August 26, 2010
Screen shot of the Max Headroom hijacker

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We have been studying your elections processes since it seems that it is that “time of year” for your species. We discovered this by noting the increased amount of signage that has become stuck to the front of our bumper like device as we continue to learn how to maneuver your quaint combustable engined vehicles through your maze of tarry paths. It seems like everyone is running for one office or another. In fact after passing through one intersection we noted that we had to remove a number of signages that indicated multiple people who apparently wanted to occupy the same office space. Odd, but then they are Earthers. And speaking of odd we have noted that these, politicians, while behaving like an entirely different species are actually Earthers just like the rest of you. And so we study. Well, except for Klaarg who finds your politicians too robot like for his phobia.

In any case, to use an Earther colloquialism, we have been looking at your election past time and wondering why you spend so much energy on an event that seems to, simply put, just piss you all off (another colloquialism). It seems to us, and granted we have only been studying you for a few transits, that your system is flawed. And Klaarg reminds us that we should note that we speak of the American system and not all systems since we have not yet had the opportunity to study other systems, say like the Latvians, who, we are sure, have a much superior system than the one we are witnessing now, although we cannot, scientifically speaking, be sure. It seems that your elections consist of nothing more than a select group of people trying to convince the remaining mass to put them into a fancy office so that they can then ignore that remaining group of people for a multiple of years or until it becomes a half transit prior to the next election, at which point everyone seems to care again. This does not seem to be a good way to run a planet (which might explain a lot of the other things we have been noting, like the ozone depletion, the acidity of your sky water, and the complaints from your cetaceans about your rudeness).

Simply put, why do you not put into office that person who is best suited for that office based on actual credentials and not on a series of short and unamusing television series? It baffles us still and will take more study, although we note the short window of opportunity we have. Oh yes, and we have a large collection of signs if anyone would like them as they apparently do not compost at all and tossing them into the ram scoop gave the ship indigestion. And speaking of indigestion let us look at this weeks dvd releases.

So, at first we were a tad bit confused and thought this was just one more documentary about Los Angeles. But, then we reread the box and discovered that this was actually one of your future looking shows called Max Headroom We find these to be fascinating as we think they continue to reflect the very dim view you have of your own ability to survive. This time you are televising your demise, which we think you will probably actually do. We find this extremely entertaining and Klaarg, for one, was very glad to finally see a robot free future. Will you enjoy it? How are we to know these things. Be a sentient species and take the responsibility to find out for yourself.

Speaking of futures that never happened, we discovered the mocumentary In The Shadow Of The Moon which purports to document how humans, between the years 1968 and 1972 (and don’t get us started on your system of dating which is incredibly confusing since you have to know which culture you are in before you know when you are) visited your moon. We admired the way the filmmakers made it look as if these events actually took place on your satellite’s surface and not in some sound stage in your California dream in town. It was very well done although we were not familiar with the actors at all and we think it was probably a low budget production since the acting was a bit wooden and we have not seen mention of Aldrin, Armstrong, Bean or Schmidt in any other filmatic ventures. Still we all enjoyed this comedy and recommend it to everyone.

We really need to subscribe to Netflix or just figure out how to stream videos to the mothership because sending Klaarg to the video store can sometimes be problematic. First, it takes him forever to return. And he’s a navigator! How the academy every granted him a license is sometimes beyond us. We think his pods know pods that have similar genetic material. Or perhaps there was a conjunctional interfacing. Hard to say, but a navigator he is none-the-less. Regardless of how Klaarg got his tenstacles on the ships controls we sometimes wonder if he just can’t find the new releases section in the video store. This would explain how we ended up having to watch Horror High which apparently is about a high school in some town named Horror. The actual location is probably kept secret to protect the actors. In any case, this video just details the normal occurrences in high school–bullying, cliquism, razing, hazing, torture and murder. There’s also some subplot about a chemistry syrup that mutates a student into a horrible creature which we thought was a bit redundant. In any case if you want to relive your high school years then you should definitely go out and get this one. If, however, you have moved beyond assault, battery and mayhem then maybe you’ll want to move past this one as well. Klaarg liked it–no robots.

Well, we had two more really excellent new video releases to tell you about but Hummer has started his imitating of your politicians and it is just too amusing for us to get him to stop, what with all that tenstacle waving and orating and gesticulation. He really does capture the essence of the stump speech as well as the stump itself–maple this time we think but we won’t be sure until we get to taste it. So, until next time, Spa Fon and keep the Spooze warm.

November in June, Turkeys for all

June 21, 2010

We are turning over the log to Mummphm this time. He needs the experience and we have to keep him out of the shuttle for a while. It’s going to take days to remove all that cheese from the intake manifolds. Who knows what he was thinking?

Your month of November doesn’t really have much going for it unless you like turkey. And no need to tell us that it is your month of June. We travel using wormholes and it plays havoc with our calendars, not to mention our watches. Time is just a construct to be pushed anyway. But, wait, you don’t know that yet. Back to November which has either just been (assuming you think the glass to be half full) or is about to be (assuming you think the glass half empty), or, if you are exactly a half way kind of entity, both. But we digress. November follows the major US holiday of Halloween. It’s cold. It’s windy. It’s full of turkeys. It’s the start of holiday decorations and shopping. It’s one of the longer months to spell. It celebrates the death of big birds. The food of the month is mostly odd colored stuff–purple, orange and brown. It presents us with one of the major ironies as we wrestle with comprehending the brief history of one of your superpowers, the USA. Here is what we have learned so far. Without the Indians, the Pilgrims would not have survived. By surviving, the Pilgrims brought on the genocide of the Indians. This has led to the word Tryptophan being repeated close to a gazillion times in a four day period. Frankly, we agree with Ben Franklin that the month is symbolized by the perfect animal, the turkey. But let us move to things we better understand–your DVD historical records And, speaking of such, let’s take a look at what’s lurking out there.

It’s the Great Bird of the Galaxy!

Sometimes you sit in your blind and wait and wait and wait and nary a gobbler comes passing through. Other times you’ve barely had time for your butt to get wet when the big bird presents itself.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Watch Kirk emote the Enterprise across the galaxy. Watch Spock raise his eyebrow. Watch Mr. Scott build an entire interociter from just pocket lint and a rubber band. Watch Mr. Sulu eye Uhura. Buy this now and you get the director’s restored version where he puts back in the 35 minutes of space footage thought to be too boring. Yikes, another 35 minutes of boring space footage?? This on top of two hours of boring other footage in what is little more than a rip off of one of the television episodes? And they thought we wouldn’t notice? Load the photon torpedoes we’re being hailed by space turkeys.

It’s a known fact that turkeys replicate. That’s right, replicate. If they mated then genetics would come into play and make better turkeys. And I’m not talking about bigger butterballs. An excellent case in point is “Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th”, which attempts to spoof not only every recent horror flick but every recent flick combined. This total lack of focus and utter reliance on sex jokes drives the few redeeming qualities the film had right from your frontal lobes. Klaarg liked it though.

And before you go thinking that all turkeys are tom turkeys let me present to you– Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. If you discount the lousy writing, the crappy directing, the negligible acting and plot holes so big you could fly turkeys through them you’ve got a pretty good film here. Sick with the game and leave this bird alone, it spent too much time out in the sun.

Wait, Lara Croft, Ronald Ashcroft, I see a connection. That would explain why The Astounding She-Monster, shares so many of the apparent values and production qualities. Actually it’s the other way around since this flick came out in 1958. Not a bad watch purely for old time’s sake, like when you’re with your buds talking about how good the turkey was two years ago.

You can always tell a real turkey by how little time it spends in view of the public. Turkeys are shy, retiring creatures and avoid people like the plague. Planet Of The Apes, the remade one, is an excellent example of this. So bad it lasted but days in the theaters and minutes in the second run houses it now comes to roost on your DVD player. Don’t let it roost very long.

Classics – or should we say…leftovers?

So, what’s a droog to do after loading up on all that tryptophan? Steal a car? Look for rival gangs to beat up? Break into a few houses and contemplate stuffing the occupants? How about all of the above, but only if you’re Alex or one of his friends from “A Clockwork Orange”. A classic masterpiece which, while a bit slow and dated now, still shows you how movies should be made. Not a feather in sight.

He’s alien and he’s come to Earth to…well, we’re not really sure. The guvment wants to kill him, science wants to study him and the ladies they just swoon at his gaze. “The Cosmic Man”, pretty much fills the bill if you’re looking for really old turkey. This one was moldy the day it got released so fair warning if you try to watch it now.

Turkeys are big birds that look kind of neat and taste really bland. “Willow”, shares these characteristics. Visually stunning, with great locations and some fine special effects, but all wrapped around a story that is not only old hat but nothing special to begin with.

SFTV – Dinners, reheated in our atomic powered microwave.

Must everything turn to turkey? Must all turkey turn to poison? Must all poison be bad for you? Unfortunately a resounding yes to all of the above. Check out the pre-turkey episodes of “Farscape”. “Durka Returns” and “A Human Reaction” are the episodes presented here. Excellent stuff, but be warned, there’s a turkey lurking in the not to far future.

At some point there are just too many of these things flying by and you just have to sit back in amazement. The “X-Files” is a great example of that. This is the complete fourth season. Like you need more X-files. Like the first three years, never mind the first three episodes, didn’t pretty much play out the storylines. There is the occasional interesting episode tucked in here amongst the dark and white meat, sort of like finding the giblets. Will Scully? Will Muldar? Will the smoking man? Who the hell cares?

“Plan 9 From Outer Space,” or, how to not make movies. This one contains all the things you should never, ever do when making a film. The biggest turkey of the bunch.

Just to show that even science fiction writers love turkey, “Project Moon Base”, which was co-written by Robert Heinlein rears it’s ugly head. Two space babes get stranded on the lunar surface. Will they survive?? Jesus, what were you thinking, Bob?

Anime – Even Giant Robots can’t talk with their mouths full.

I hate to say it but of the 740 or so DVDs released in November of…we forget but we think there were some 0’s and 2’s in it, there wasn’t a single Anime one worth looking at. Actually there were incredibly few to look at period. Guess those giant mumblers know it’s best to hide when the big birds come out to play.


June 15, 2010
One of the measures used by the Galactic Council to determine a species readiness for entry into the Cosmic fraternity is creativity. The Council sends representatives to visit a planet and to study the culture, art and artifices produced. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out if what a species is producing is truly representative of their creative process or just something they’ve managed to cobble together out of boredom. Up until a few years ago we had high hopes for you third Earthers. But then it seemed as if any creativity you might have been using was simply an illusion. Let us illustrate. You no longer make original movies. You used to but not anymore. Now every movie is based on some book, some comic, some old movie, some game, some carnival ride, some event from your past, some radio show, or some movie which was just out. This is not original. Neither is it interesting. Frankly we have been more intrigued watching hedgehogs trying to negotiate a slippery slope than we have been watching your DVDs. Let us illuminate.

Can it really be that this has not been released until now? How could you let such a classic slip by? How could you live without having the opportunity to view, over and over, the stunning special effects, the captivating writing and the wondrous score of The Black Hole? This was made during the period when Disney thought they knew what they were doing but were really just trying to figure out how the company which made Peter Pan and 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea could have seemed to have forgotten how to make anything even remotely close to that quality. There are cute robots in this so we had to restrain Klaarg while we watched. We’re sorry now that we did since it would have saved us from having to watch all the way to the end

Klaarg was a bit disturbed about the robot thing so when we sent him out to get a new pile of dvds he came back with Cheerleader Camp. It’s about a bunch of cheerleaders who go to camp and then start getting killed. Who can tell why? Certainly not Klaarg who seems to have taken a particular liking to the genre although he does get upset when they die due to their own stupidity as Klaarg thought cheerleaders were smart enough to know not to go out into the woods at night after a bunch of your friends have been murdered. Somehow he’s thinking it has something to do with robots trying to take their places and just not managing it well.

If you Earthers spent as much time fixing the world you live on as you do in imagining it being different your lives would be much better. Sliders – The First And Second Seasons, shows where your true interests lie however as you’d rather slip from place to place, each just slightly different than where you came from just to you can get different flavored ice cream or square potato chips. Most of the events depicted on these discs have been done by other shows—Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Big Bass fishing with Martin Brundle—so we’re not sure why you spent the time or the energy in making these.

In a move that would make sense only to you people a television show gets canceled because no one is watching it so the powers in charge then go ahead and make a series of movies using the exact same cast, story lines and settings. Babylon 5, The Movie Collection is the result of this logic chain. You get not one but two pre flicks, one mid flick and two post flicks. What you don’t get is a rule book about how to watch these things because if you watch the post flicks before watching the show too much is given away but if you watch the show before watching the post flicks you’re already getting much of the info. Sometimes you are even too incomprehensible for us.