The moon is falling, the moon is falling

April 24, 2011
Artist’s impression of how the surface of Plut...

Image via Wikipedia

We watched with some amusement the recent furor you raised among yourselves when your moon appeared larger than normal. Not that your moon appears even remotely similar in size from night to night due to atmospheric and distance vagaries, but who are we to point out a flaw in your logic systems? Regardless, as Klaarg pointed out, so long as it’s big enough to see it’s big enough to steer around. But that is neither here nor there, Klaarg just likes to point things out using navigator references, as if to constantly remind us that he is the only one with the spaceship license. Not that the rest of us can’t drive the thing, we just need to find the manual so we know which buttons to push at what sequence. It surely can not be that difficult.

Back to the moon (which is something that your species will apparently never do). You Earthers seem particularly enamored of the big dusty thing. You seem to think it rules your sanity as much as it rules your oceans. And speaking of which, just because you are almost 78% liquid (78.5% on Fridays during happy hour) does not mean that the moon has any influence over you at all. The internal magma of your nickel iron cored planet exerts much more influence on your bodies than the moon ever will. Well, unless it comes crashing down, then it will exert a huge influence, albeit for only a brief span of awareness. But, back to the moon. It does not have any influence on you. Criminy, the next thing you know you’ll be thinking that Jupiter or Saturn is somehow influencing you in your houses, or that the stars themselves somehow have some significance in what you do or who you are. Perhaps you should study your films like we do to better know about yourselves. Did not your famous philosopher, Aristophanes say, I watch, therefore I see? We thought so.

Let’s face it. Moons are everywhere. Your own system has hundreds. Even some of the moons in your system have moons. There is even Pluto, which you have decided is not a planet. Therefor it must be a moon of the sun. In fact the darn things are everywhere you look, in every system you pass through, in every galaxy we have been to. And we have been to more than one or two, we will have you know. Klaarg, says three. We have been to three. They all had moons. Lots of them. Big ones, small ones, round ones, elongated ones, lumpy ones, icy ones, liquid ones, whipped cream and cherry ones. No, we made that last one up. But the rest all exist.

We had planned an extended discussion of the lunar influence on your movie cycles but Klaarg, who is usually pretty reliable when picking up videos (barring run ins with robots) was unable to go this time due to cellular reconstruction and restitution. So, Ssthpppithicarssus, or Slippery as we sometimes call her, went in his stead. Slippery has a rare genetic disorder, and, in fact, should have been vaporized at birth but somehow managed to slip through the cracks in the birthing chamber and survived. This disorder sometimes randomly reorganizes the cellular structure of her memory centers. This is typically a harmless condition, unless she is out getting groceries in which case you never know what she will return with, or videos, which suffer the same end result. So, without saying anything more, we begin our discussion of your culture, your species, and your particular place in time and space.

Dinoshark is a documentary about two things: global warming and spring break, at least as far as we can tell. Evidently this prehistoric (look, there was history then too, just not many historians) shark became frozen in the arctic and global warming freed it just in time for a long swim to South America where it began eating people. Why it didn’t decide to just stick around Iceland or some other large island near where it got free is never really adequately explained but we are sure there were good reasons. There was a lot of swimming in this movie, both on the part of you humans and the shark itself. We’re not quite sure what the message is except don’t swim in water with giant sharks. The global warming piece seemed to get lost amid the bikinis and blood.

Mongolian Death Worm is another tale of environmental warning. This time it is the desert, where you are drilling for oil by pumping water into the Earth. Only your species would think this is a good idea. We can only ponder how dry your oceans would be in you had decided that hydro-fusion was the way to go to power your vehicles instead of using petroleum. So, you pump all this water into the desert which almost immediately angers the death worms living there. They then feel a need to come up and teach you a lesson. Of course if they knew how destructive humans are when it came to other species they would have gone in a different direction. Needless to say, humans win, death worms lose–if you can call remaining dependent upon petroleum winning.

I Am Number Four which leads us to reply, yes, but we really wished you had been number one. What more can we say. The only explanation was that the moon was full and the creator of this thing was thinking of something else. If only those thoughts had been filmed instead.

Well, we have once again not been able to discuss all of the videos that we had hoped to discuss. Of course we didn’t get to actually watch any of the videos we really wanted to watch anyway so maybe it’s a wash. Until next time, Spa Fon and always taste the Spooze before purchasing.

Rocket Ahead to the New Solar Cycle

December 31, 2010
First generation Roomba (Roomba is a trademark...

Image via Wikipedia

We are struck that, as a species purporting to be peaceful (We come in peace for all Mankind, voyager plaque, dedicated to peace in our lifetime), your spaceships seem to bristle with weaponry (Battlestar Galactica, Enterprise, the Last Starfighter). This seems to be a contradiction. But then, you seem to be a contradictory species. We would like to point out that our Mark VI Mothership contains no weaponry at all. Sure, we could induce the plasma core to a high fusion state and drop it onto your planet creating a small black hole that would suck your solar system into an oblivion state but that would cause us to lose our main source of propulsion as well and we would have to unfurl the solar sails to get home. And, frankly, Klaarg, while an adequate navigator, is not much of a sailor.

We can find no precedent to this contradictory nature of your species.  You seem to want to be one thing or to have others believe you are this other thing while you go merrily along being the thing that is exactly opposite.  Perhaps your species was hit on the head at a young age and somehow broken.  Maybe it was a comet that struck a glancing blow before wobbling off alone. All we know is that much sodium must be used when listening to you.  Why, just the other day, Klaarg, after successfully conquering a Roomba, declared that it was simply pointless to ask anyone on your planet directions since not a single one of you seem to know exactly where you are.  If you do not know where you are you do not know how to get anywhere.  And we are not talking about GPS coordinates, which most of you have now that you carry around smart phones (which is another whole thing entirely as if you are leaking what little intelligence you retain into your carry on electronic devices).

Klaarg was simply trying to get to your on again-off again planet Pluto to get some dip for the end of cycle celebration when he stopped to ask a group of humans whether he needed to navigate around the planet or could he just head straight up and out and not a single one knew.  Most, he said, were not even aware of Pluto’s status change.  If you do not know where the planets are in your own system (and remember, these are mostly gas giants so they tend to be large) then it is no surprise that you do not know the whereabouts of your vehicle keys.  Not to worry though, Klaarg managed to get there, Roomba dust and all.

Finally, we were set to do a big end of cycle finish filling you in on all the different videos we had seen but Mmnthpmmtpmmth set the dvd player too close to the matter recycler and we think it did something to the groove reading laser device because every disk we put in there just gets heated to a near plasma state before being forcefully ejected across the room.  While we think the resulting bonding of plastic to plasiform corridor barrier is quite artistic we are pretty sure that Netflix is going to take a dim view of our not being able to return a single disc from our last delivery.

Well, that is all for now.  Klaarg is mixing his dip for the approaching festivities and the rest of us are trying to figure out whether we revert to your older VHS technologies or just go without movies for an evening.  I suppose we could always just zoom over to Best Buy and get a new player but traffic is no fun on this planet, especially around your holy days.  Tomorrow begins a new random cycle for you (we do not understand why you celebrate it rather than the galactic ascendency, but then, there are many things we do not understand about you) and you will no doubt spend much of it recovering from the mind altering stupor you seem to think makes you appear cute.  Until then we send you Spa Fon.