Greenings (again) Earthers

March 7, 2011
Actress Milla Jovovich participating in a pane...

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We are here once more to report on our findings after a thorough review of your video records, or, as thorough as we could manage after Klaarg’s run in with an electronic parking meter that he thought was a uni-wheeled utility robot, which made him late with the pizza. I suppose also that we need to reconvert our titling as so few of your records exist on video anymore. We should probably swap over to utilizing the phrase digital record but we do so love tape and film, no matter what James Cameron or George Lucas say.

In any point, we were discussing–Klaarg, Hmmmenmmmenefra, Decarlo (don’t ask), and myself–your penchant for trying to envision a deeper and darker future for yourself. Your pundits call this a post apocalyptic shadow. We call it a lack of vision or, simply, a species wide depression. We think, perhaps, that you are beginning to actually see how limited you are as a species and you are not encouraged by it. Thus, all of these post apocalyptic films that are dark, depressing and, essentially, expressing your special suicide. Wait, because we know some of you will misread the previous sentence we need to expand. We do not mean special as in different or nice, but special as in, related to species. Put the emphasis on the first e and make it long. Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way perhaps you can explain to us why, in all of your apocalyptic movies, the first thing your species seems to do, post apocalyptically speaking, is destroy what little useful stuff actually remains?

We think there may actually be some kind of religious aspect to this but we can’t really explore that vein due to the loss of Bla’haauggh, our religious mythologist, who stepped into the sonic shower and turned the setting to dust instead of exfoliate. We have fond memories of Bla’haauggh and see him whenever we go to a zero gravity state (It’s really hard to get all the dust out of the mother ship, no matter how hard you try and it’s not like Klaarg will let us let loose a Roomba).

So, here we are, with a pile of somewhat dusty DVDs that we’ve viewed and studied in order to get some glimpse into why you do the things you do. Luckily we got a good bunch this time and learned a lot. For example, in “Resident Evil: Afterlife we learned that it’s not a good idea to let big corporations run things–at least on Earth, since Interstellar Trans runs pretty much everything to do with bi-dimensional, extra-solar voyaging from our end of the universe. But, we are talking of you and not us. In this documentary we learn that your phrasing of being a corporate drone might be truer than we had thought since many of the corporate employees in this video were not just drone like but downright zombie like. Sure, Milla Jovovich does her best to lighten things up but remember we are dealing with a plague of zombies so how much lighter can things get? Still, she tries. Perhaps she should shower more?

Monsters Special Edition + Digital Copy [Blu-ray] is not so much about monsters as it is about how silly you Earthers get when you take a simple idea and let it run away with you. In this video we are supposed to believe that one of your own spacecraft returned to your planet and somehow scattered alien life across a large part of Mexico which, in an oddly prescient review of the whole Arizona mess, caused Americans to build a huge wall between the two countries. Well, we have to tell you, alien life does not just fall from the sky willy nilly. Nor does any self respecting sentient just jump onto the first probe that comes along. You have a lot to learn.

As we mentioned earlier, and as we mention again because we know of your tiny ability to retain information in a linear form, we lost our religious mythologist so we have been making do as best we can. Hmmmenmmmenefra has been filling in admirably we must admit but we still wonder what gaps there might exist in the knowledge that a sustenance provocator who was formerly an interstellar radio manipulator (he lost his calling when everyone switched to cable) brings to the effort. Still, when all you have is an ex-communicator you go with it. So, while we are sure there is meaning that we are missing we are also sure that none of that is here. Consider what we gleaned, for example, from The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu. We found your Cthulhu religion very reminiscent of the slithering overlords of sector A3B. The main difference being that the sentients in that sector did not survive the worship demands put upon them while you, as a species, still seems pretty oblivious. Ah well, perhaps ignorance is bliss.

We had more to say. We almost always do. But, if we put it all in one report they would expect us back sooner and we’re afraid we might miss something really important. You will produce something really important as a species sooner or later, won’t you? Do it soon or we’ll miss it. Thanks. And when in doubt send Spooze.

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I’m a Doctor, Jim, not an Operator

November 6, 2010
An Amtrak train on the NEC in NJ, as seen from...

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We use the words of your very own Doctor McCoy from your very own Star Trek Documentaries (although how you are managing this when you can not even get out of your own gravity well still remains a mystery to us but it may explain why they never really seemed to want to return to Earth). But we egress. We were on the train, traveling to a conference in your capital of cities (where the people who live there, in the center of your self-proclaimed representative system of management have no representation). We egress again. We were on your mass transportation system Amtrak (which neither has much mass, galactically speaking, nor does it really transport all that well according to their inability to get one of these trains anywhere on time) Egressing once more. Sorry.

It was thus that we were presented with the inevitable proof that all young species must pass through a number of states prior to self-actualization. Of course, nuclear destruction, environmental disaster, asteroidal interruption, planetary disruption, and cometary impact can all delay this progress and, in many cases, severely retard it. This has happened to you previously which explains why you are so retarded now. But, once again, we egress. We happened to read an article in one of your advanced medical journals about robotic surgery. Klaarg was not with us, which explains why we were on the train to begin with, so we were free to read whatever we wanted to. We did not get the chance to read much of the article but surely the title captured the essence. And so, we wondered, why you would create a surgery for a thing that you do not yet have. Should you not have created the robots first? Sure you have Roomba and that one that cleans your swimming pools and those ones that build your individual transport devices. But these all require a great deal of human interaction before they can function in even a very rudimentary level. So, the fact that you have invented surgery for robots prior to actually having created robots is a definite sign that you are still in the confused stage of your advancement. This was further brought to our attention on the train itself as person after person spoke into their mobile communicators, saying over and over such things as “are you there?” “can you hear me?” “Hello?” “Hello?” Over and over we tell you. And loudly. Need we remind you that you had pretty much perfected telephones in the 1990’s? Then, for some reason you decided to make it all better. Now, instead of the crystal clear, world-wide communication you had in 1995 you have returned to the scratchy, intermittent, poorly receptive communication you had in 1957. Go figure.

But we egress once again when we are really here to administer our wisdom about your most recent video releases. To wit, and to whither, let us share with you our thoughts–no scratchiness or intermittentness involved.

Klaarg did not pick these so it is somewhat ironic that there is not a robot amongst them. Just the way the universe works it seems. And speaking of such let us begin by delving into Back to the Future: 25th Anniversary Trilogy (+ Digital Copy) Now, we should like to point out that this may very well be the future that this video wants to go back to given that this originally came out 25 years in your past. We need to tell you though, that time travel is pretty much impossible. Too many contradictions. if you knew that yesterday’s lunch would give you heartburn then you would go back to order something different which begins a causality chain, often involving waitresses who are destined to become nuclear physicists but won’t because of your missing tip money, with dire consequences. So, sorry, no traveling in time. Especially for you as a species. You can barely negotiate the now, never mind the past (again) or the yet to be future.

Okay, so Victoria, who is a different Victoria from before (no time travel involved) wants to destroy Bella who is in love, kinda, sorta, with Edward who is actually dead. But, Bella also seems to have the hots for Jacob who is friends with Edward, sort of, and also does not like Victoria, either this new one or the old one. Yes, that is right, we actually watched “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Two-Disc Special Edition) We were confused and dismayed and nonplussed. In short it made all of our brains hurt just trying to figure out who was who and what they were about and why we should care.

Look, we enjoy a shoot-em-up involving blue beings as much as the next species. But we like to see some realism as well. We have been all over the galaxy (when we are not stuck way out here in the empty spiral arms with you) and we know a lot of blue species and, for the most part they are pretty sapient and use it diligently and that’s only speaking of the aquatic ones. “Avatar (Three-Disc Extended Collector’s Edition + BD-Live) [Blu-ray] kind of presents us with a dilemma since we were not sure who we were supposed to root for. We did not care all that much for the greedy humans who were seeking out their impossible mineral. But we also did not care so much for the blue people who did not seem to be all that in touch with their planet or with what was going on around them. It may have been pretty to look at, assuming you like to watch genocide and big explosions, but it fell far short on the meter of sentience.

Full circle have we come as we close with “Doctor Who: The Complete Fifth Series. Let us state once more that time travel is not a good idea, besides it being against the law. We did like the adventures a great deal although we did not know a single species involved which makes us a bit suspicious about some of the locations. Remember, we are pretty familiar with the galaxy in this area. We think we will have to look at more of this Doctor’s travels before we can make a full and final determination about its credibility.

And, now, it is most apt to egress a final time.