We are here once more to report on our findings after a thorough review of your video records, or, as thorough as we could manage after Klaarg’s run in with an electronic parking meter that he thought was a uni-wheeled utility robot, which made him late with the pizza. I suppose also that we need to reconvert our titling as so few of your records exist on video anymore. We should probably swap over to utilizing the phrase digital record but we do so love tape and film, no matter what James Cameron or George Lucas say.
In any point, we were discussing–Klaarg, Hmmmenmmmenefra, Decarlo (don’t ask), and myself–your penchant for trying to envision a deeper and darker future for yourself. Your pundits call this a post apocalyptic shadow. We call it a lack of vision or, simply, a species wide depression. We think, perhaps, that you are beginning to actually see how limited you are as a species and you are not encouraged by it. Thus, all of these post apocalyptic films that are dark, depressing and, essentially, expressing your special suicide. Wait, because we know some of you will misread the previous sentence we need to expand. We do not mean special as in different or nice, but special as in, related to species. Put the emphasis on the first e and make it long. Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way perhaps you can explain to us why, in all of your apocalyptic movies, the first thing your species seems to do, post apocalyptically speaking, is destroy what little useful stuff actually remains?
We think there may actually be some kind of religious aspect to this but we can’t really explore that vein due to the loss of Bla’haauggh, our religious mythologist, who stepped into the sonic shower and turned the setting to dust instead of exfoliate. We have fond memories of Bla’haauggh and see him whenever we go to a zero gravity state (It’s really hard to get all the dust out of the mother ship, no matter how hard you try and it’s not like Klaarg will let us let loose a Roomba).
So, here we are, with a pile of somewhat dusty DVDs that we’ve viewed and studied in order to get some glimpse into why you do the things you do. Luckily we got a good bunch this time and learned a lot. For example, in “Resident Evil: Afterlife we learned that it’s not a good idea to let big corporations run things–at least on Earth, since Interstellar Trans runs pretty much everything to do with bi-dimensional, extra-solar voyaging from our end of the universe. But, we are talking of you and not us. In this documentary we learn that your phrasing of being a corporate drone might be truer than we had thought since many of the corporate employees in this video were not just drone like but downright zombie like. Sure, Milla Jovovich does her best to lighten things up but remember we are dealing with a plague of zombies so how much lighter can things get? Still, she tries. Perhaps she should shower more?
Monsters Special Edition + Digital Copy [Blu-ray] is not so much about monsters as it is about how silly you Earthers get when you take a simple idea and let it run away with you. In this video we are supposed to believe that one of your own spacecraft returned to your planet and somehow scattered alien life across a large part of Mexico which, in an oddly prescient review of the whole Arizona mess, caused Americans to build a huge wall between the two countries. Well, we have to tell you, alien life does not just fall from the sky willy nilly. Nor does any self respecting sentient just jump onto the first probe that comes along. You have a lot to learn.
As we mentioned earlier, and as we mention again because we know of your tiny ability to retain information in a linear form, we lost our religious mythologist so we have been making do as best we can. Hmmmenmmmenefra has been filling in admirably we must admit but we still wonder what gaps there might exist in the knowledge that a sustenance provocator who was formerly an interstellar radio manipulator (he lost his calling when everyone switched to cable) brings to the effort. Still, when all you have is an ex-communicator you go with it. So, while we are sure there is meaning that we are missing we are also sure that none of that is here. Consider what we gleaned, for example, from The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu. We found your Cthulhu religion very reminiscent of the slithering overlords of sector A3B. The main difference being that the sentients in that sector did not survive the worship demands put upon them while you, as a species, still seems pretty oblivious. Ah well, perhaps ignorance is bliss.
We had more to say. We almost always do. But, if we put it all in one report they would expect us back sooner and we’re afraid we might miss something really important. You will produce something really important as a species sooner or later, won’t you? Do it soon or we’ll miss it. Thanks. And when in doubt send Spooze.